my list

these are some of the things I would love to do
these are also things I have started to do.

everyday I need to tell two people they are loved and appriciated and that I am thinking of them.
I do not want to leave people wondering about their places in my life and heart and do not want to leave things unspoken life is short and regrets are hard to overcome.

I will do something just for myself minimum once a week

I will finish my course in hotel reception then I will finish my ECE course or that is what I would like to do if I can handle the pressure of having a job and doing the course.

I want to learn Bahasa Melayu to the point I actually know what I am saying and hearing lol

I want the new years count down kiss .... in all my years I have never gotten the kiss at the Zero count.(it might seem odd but there is just a part inside me that thinks its romantic somehow)

I want to have a family of my own a family I can be a real family with in the future I would really love to be a mother.

I think it would be great to have twins but I don't get to choose that lol

I would love to have 4 children though 6 is ok too lol

I want to move out of Canada

I would love to get the rest of my tat finished

I would love to meet my dearest friends online in real life

I want to swim naked with a man I fancy not in a pool but in nature

I want to jump off a waterfall

I want to sleep in an igloo and in the ice hotel

I want to get married on water

I want to be with the man I marry til the day I die being the only one I spend my life with in close shared intimacy.

I used to want to only be with one man the one I gave my all to the man I loved with everything I was and had but I realized I had never fallen into the depths of real and true love because I never loved or knew the true inner being as well as the outer one.I just loved what I thought I knew I also thought I loved when I had never truly known what love meant.

now I want to be with a man who is my bestfriend as well as lover a man who can be my equal as I can be his.

I want to be 120 lbs again

I want to be baptized

I want to sleep under the stars with nothing above me but the sky

I want to go to South Korea Japan Malaysia and many other places

the more I try to think of what I want to do and see and who I want to be the less I am able to think of lol

Two songs stuck in my head atm both have the same name and I feel this way.

let it all go

it's almost all because of me
I made things complicating it would seem
innocent words taken to heart
that's how everything started
the reason he departed
privacy needed was lost
for that there comes a cost
innocence is my folly
ignorance is my foe
love is my friend
so I'll let it all go

the glass within

I learnt something from a jackie chan and jet li movie the other day it made me think on a deeper scale if you have watched the forbidden kingdom perhaps you know about the part when he talks about the cup being full of knowledge and not being able to pour anymore in .
if a glass is full then you cannot add more into it without it spilling over.
in order to add more you must first empty the glass the trick is not to emptying by pouring it out but by swallowing the liquid in the glass first and then filling it some more.

I think my heart is that same way I pour the bad things in a corner of my heart where the knives have pierced it and this pain builds and builds to the point it spills over out my eyes. each time I empty the cup of pain through tears and honesty everytime I move on from a let down when I let it all go I allow more room in my heart for more knives to bring the tears to my eyes again. The problem is when you get filled with pain there is no room left for love.

with love the cup is never full we can never love enough people but sometimes we can feel as though we have invested all the love we have in a cup for one person and when we are depressed over that love its as though the cup inside can do nothing but spill over our tears and we think we love them too much and yet the glass inside fills with more love through every tear we shed.

our capacity for love and pain does it have a true limimt ? is there a class wide and tall enough to hold all the tears we cry due to love and pain?
and is there a glass wide and tall enough to contain all the love we hold inside throughout a life time.

I am trying to learn how to empty the cup without making a splash without hurting those I love and cherish without staining a by stander with the liquid inside the glass I am attempting to empty.

I have a bad habit of hurting the ones I love the most I will share a song I cant seem to get out my head there are words that are just took heart breaking and yet true why is it the ones we share our heart the most with are often the ones we never get to hold on to.