Mighty Morphing Psycho Bitch

yup yup that's me.

recently I have felt very much like there is a bomb ticking inside of me, it's ready to blow at any time.
How does she piss me off SO easily ? I have deep affection for her but recently all I can think is god I want to smack her around!

I feel she is starting a silent war this woman with no name, this woman I will name Nanashi (she with no name) just for the sake of giving her a name.
There is a line she is starting to cross ever so slowly, the line between me being a sister and me being a bitch.
I am a nice person but every nice person has an evil dirty devil dwelling inside, the life I have lived has given me a sinister demon within my soul very deeply buried but it is there.
Cross the line and watch me morph into psycho bitch, I am so patient and passive with many but you can only push me so far.

I have stuck by the side of my friends as well as I can, I do not know why so many do not believe in returning that kidness.
I am fed up of so much I can't even find words to truly express myself.

Ammar tonight told me I am not like myself, he is right I hide my feelings normally I just smile at people and joke around.
Many people do not know my sensitive emotional side but thats very much the biggest part of me I just hide the emoness well.

I am overwhelmed by agression and negitivity and ready to burst, it's only a matter of time before I morph and transform into a me I have never shown, a me not many know.

I will take this time to apologize in advance to the ones I love the most I just feel I am at the end of my rope. I am always open and honest and that will never change the difference is with the ones hurting and angering me I maybe cruel and it will have nothing to do with cruel to be kind I will be cruel to be brutal as they have been to me and my heart.

and my song choice for now is The Rasmus In the Shadows

A million thoughts, A thousand tears

My mind is a sphere circling and dangling by a silken thread,
the thread of sanity fueled by emotion and logic.

There are silent screams and screaming thoughts beating my brain from inside my skull.
I have a head ache like no other, I'd like to bash my fucking head in.
Trying to fight the pain of the thoughts away with a wall of indifference and anger, those things do not help at all.

I feel so tired and yet I cannot sleep even when I am not fighting the thoughts in my head sleep eludes me.
I cry silently cursing inside my mind wonder what the hell is wrong with my head and heart, what is wrong with me? why am I feeling so low what did I do and what have I done?.

School is great though my emotions are mixed over it as well.
I hate the bitch that's always acting like she is better then everyone else, the bitch who answers things stupidly as though she hasn't read or understood the question and isn't taking things seriously and who believes she is special enough to not have to come to school at the same time as everyone else but later and then does her own thing when she is in class I hope she fails she deserves it.

I dislike these three pakistani men in my class they piss me off so much.
they do not listen when they are spoken to actually scratch that they don't listen at all. The teacher will explain things and answer questions and all three ask the same question at different times, after it was already was explained and it was easy enough to know without her telling us. It is common sense when taking a msg if the person wants you to call back you check they call them back box and if they were returning a call you check returning call box stupid dumbasses.
They have no sense of personal space even when you explain to them they are too close,a man should never be glued to a womans side unless she invites him to her side or they are a couple. I love my personal space I do not like any Tom, Dick or Harry in that space.
As if having one of them leaning over me trying to flirt with me being suggestive wasn't bad enough Thursday one of them helped themself to touching my ass,I wanted to break his hand.

I find myself growing tired of the attitude of one of my classmates as well, I remind myself I am hanging out with younger girls but every now and then I feel like smacking some respect into one of them. I do not like being told what to do arrogantly as though I am a persons underling and this girl is very demanding.


There are times I wonder if I am part of a family not the family I made up of friends I love and cherish but and actual family. I have aunts and uncles, cousins, sisters, brothers, niece and nephews one grandfather and my parents of course so why do I not feel like I am part of a family. Why am I left out of everything just yesterday they buried my grandmothers ashes, I was sitting right here when my father and grandfather were talking about it and I was not asked if I would like to come along as well it hurt.My big sister and I watched a video it was a photo montage of my grandmother from her funeral and photos taken during it. My sister and I were not in almost any of the pictures other then one from the place we all gathered to eat after the church but not a single picture of us as children and we were not even asked if we had any which I do have some, worse of all was that there was not a single photo of my little brother in the whole thing. I feel like inside I am half broken and that it's my family that made me that way.

My patience my temper it's all on fast response I am irritable recently everything is hurting me, angering me or just making me feel like giving up.

There is a friend who has hurt me in ways she can never know, sad thing is she will never even notice it. I give my heart freely and hold nothing back but I get so little in return , I rarely ever complain about such matters to anyone really I keep it all for myself.
I always thought I was vieweed as someone trust worthy, someone you can trust your heart with and know I would not engrave my name on your heart under the words betrayal but place myself insde the heart under the words love.
I feel I have greatly been underestimated and taken for granted,when my friendship, devotion and heart are questioned in a friendship I in turn question those of the questionaire I have never left a friend alone in the dirt.
Friendship is something I value most in my life.
How deep am I embedded in your heart? why do you turn your back on me but continue to speak with those closest to me? you make me feel wanting and lacking not worth your time unless no one else is there to give you their time.
Am I only a near dear friend when I am the only one around? when you need to destress and have a bitch fest and get all your complaints against the world out and off your chest.
There was a time I knew where we stood where the love and friendship was clear then poof you disspeared and you changed I was no longer good enough other then when you had time to spare am I a friend or only a friend when it's convienient for you? I feel under valued actually I feel my worth to you is less then that of others even though you always act like we are so close we can be in a call and you will not even pay any atention to me at all.
Do I really exist when others are around or am I invisable after all when you are not in need of me.

I miss Ira I miss his advice and his smile and his kindness, I miss having the pure friendship we shared and the fun times we had together.
I miss the times I would feel free to opely admit my weaknesses and faults and know things not only were ok they would be ok and that there would be no judgement only suggestions on how to make things better faster. I miss when being upset and hurt was only me having a bad day.

I am so greatful for my friends I know are those from the heart friends like Ira who inspire me and who make me feel being me is a good thing and that I am loved for being exactly who and how I am.
I have friends that I really don't know where I would be right now without like my two bestfriends Angelika and Christina they have helped me through alot put up with alot and never gave up on me not even when I had already given up on myself.
From the first day I met Albandari, Shaun, Ammar and Wai I have felt the bounds of honest pure friendship that came straight from the heart these people are my bestfriends and mean the world to me. I love them very much they have all helped me become a better more open person I am more honest with myself since I met them I am truly thankful to have them in my life.

Since I am listening to this song right now it will be my post ......kau ilhamku means 'you're my inspiration' according to my friend who posted the song on my FB

Poussiere d'ange (Angel Dust) Happy Birthday

This song has been stuck in my head since I found out about my little sister being pregnant and since I saw our sister write that she will be une bonne maman juste pas metenant just like in this songs lyrics......

you will be a good mother but not right now. it broke my heart to see those words written and I couldn't believe it because as long as there is love and devotion today or tomorrow my little sister would be a loving mother to her child.

I am affect by the life and deth of her unborn child as though it were my own, perhaps that is because she is my little sister since she has been less then 1 years old I have watched her grow. There have always been complicated feelings where she has been involved as she took my place as being my fathers youngest daughter. She got to be my fathers little girl when all I had ever dreamed of was being "Daddy's lil girl" but I loved her so much I could barely even muster the energy to be jealous of her. I was hurt when he decided he would adopt her but she was my dear sweet and cute little sister anyways and I loved her.

I found out that she thought I hated her I had never heard something so outrageous before. I am awkward with her because of the different emotions that were always involved because the older she got the more attitude she got, and when she was angry she knew just how to hurt you. She knew the most painful things to a person's heart and she used them she once told me I have all your fathers love and he loves me more then you and it cut like a knife because it was a deep rooted fear/doubt and also seemed like the truth as my father neglected more then anything else.

my sister has lived a hard life, her parents and my father have put her in situations she never should have dealt with.
Her mother did no set a good example for her and she started to become a lost cause, until at the age of 16 she found out she was pregnant.
Pamela has changed from doing speeds and smoking up all the time and getting drunk she went cold turkey the minute she found out she was pregnant.
She wanted to do right by her child she wanted and already loved her unborn baby, she was willing to spend the rest of her life loving that child.

No one wanted her to keep the baby least of all it's father, he told her right away she was having an abortion left no room for discussion plain and simple your getting rid of it.
The only people in the family who wanted her to keep it was her mother and I, she wanted to raise her child and I wanted her to give it life even if I had to raise it the first little while myself.
She wasted no time writing it all over her facebook about how she loved her baby and would never stop loving it and how she couldnt raise it alone and with no support, she wrote about how she would never forgive her boyfriend for making her go through with terminating her pregnancy.
My one hope had been that she would be too far along to abort , my wish didn't come true sadly.
I had nightmares about it and cried over it and today when I heard her broken voice on the other end of my phone i wished I could hold her tightly in my arms and just cry with her.
My little brat of a sister who always had so much spunk spirit and attitude was a spiritless broken soul and it cuts and burns like a knife coated in vinegar through my heart.

the English lyrics of the song are as follows

Take a deep breath
Do not stay upright
Open your eyes
I promise that you will be better

You've received a huge blow
A shot of life in the womb
A gust of wind in your life
However remain calm, I beg

REF: Just at the wrong time
Angels dust you fell within
You will be a super mommy
But not now, not now

A small spiral you took for it's house
It's not a girl, it's not a boy
it's not a aries nor a pieces
Forget that its not possible
You will lose balance
Take my hand I'll take you far away
One of being back tomorrow

Just at the wrong time
angel dust you fell into
You'll be a super mommy
But not now, not now

We're going to bring back
The angel in his shoes
He made mistakes but not serious
he may come back if you stay wise

Just at the wrong time
angel dust you fell in to
You'll be a super mommy
But not now, not now

_________________________________
This is a song that I would want to show my little sister but wont because I dont want to make her cry.

random poem thrown together

thats my song choice

Pain will fade someday but not today

these days there is pain
pain that is hard to erase
it's in the heart
it haunts the mind
it makes the tears fall
makes you blind to the sun
the absence of breath
the halt of time
run away,run away from your mind
think not, be not
exist no more
a heart too sore
eyes too dry
it's in the past
it was left behind
still it gnaws
reaches out with sharpened claws
it's breaking you down
your demons, the demons drag you down
it becomes so hard
to fake a smile
so hard to walk a step
when it feels like you've been running for miles
the voices
the choices
the wrong and the right
keep you up in the middle of the night
you cry and hide away
the pain wont fade
but all in time
you will find your way
out of the darkness
and into the sun
you will become whole
no longer broken
you will not come undone

relationship and revenge

I don't understand why people have to involve friends in their relationships.

What I mean by that is when things are going bad between lovers they always have to go and let not only all their friends know but they always have to try and make each other look bad. It doesn't even matter who is right or wrong so long as they make the other look bad.

I will stand by my friends regardless but when it is two friends of a person you are putting them in a hard spot regardless of what a bitch or asshole the person has been.
Alot of people live by the rule of until they do wrong to me I have no reason to not be their friend.
I do not think it is fair to ask people to pick between the couple as some have been friends along time others may decide on their own they do not like how the person behaves and decide to let the person go.
I also do not agree with trying to make the opposites repution rotten people are able to ruin their reps on their own. Many people do not like to hear people talking badly of others, leave the gossip and story telling at the door. I am one of these types I do not like being told bad things about people or listening to others talking badly about others . I deal with it patiently most times but I hate it.

I am the kind of person who sticks around people even when I do not agree with the way they deal with things. I stik around even when they are not 100% there for me let alone 10% there for me. I am this way regardless of pain that might come my way.

I do not believe in giving rise to hate through adding fuel to fires. Revenge solves nothing and more often than not accomplishes little in personal satisfaction.
The vicious cycle of hate is one hard to break , Anger and violence are hard to escape when you let them overwhelm and control you.

I cannot remember a time in my life when there has not be some kind of violence going on around me. even as I write this there are people behind me yelling and screaming fighting and distracting me from my thoughts.
I can say I have learnt first hand the negitive effects of revenge and hate, of holding anger in as well as pain.

Nothing is worth the negitive feelings you feel both with and of yourself and of others, the feelings of hate and anger are better off in the hands of a higher being let that higher being handle it.

There is no need to get wound up and lost in darkness in the void of hatred and anger, the sun shines even in a blizzard if you know where to look.
every cloud has a silver lining from the sun hiding behind it so do not let the obstiles like the clouds block your view of the sun, instead look just around the bend and see the glimmer of the sun waiting to be seen.



sun will shine no matter what so always hold your head up ...... This guys a good youtube artist

death has departed us

I once met this guy named Ira, Ira came from the Philliphines.
I met him on a site called Cyworld when I randomly joined and spoke on his thread.
Ira soon befriended me and we spoke almost every day I subscribed to his Youtube channel and I added him on Facebook and other sites like YM.
Ira was a beautiful man who had a beautiful voice a voice I loved to hear sing.
Ira was like a bestfriend not just to me but to almost everyone he met because he was Such a good friend.
Ira had told me he wanted to sing at my wedding the day I finally decided to get married, he begged me to be my wedding singer.
I have held on to that dream because it was a beautiful dream.
Ira got to hear the man I love sing in Confrence once and had admired the man I love alot, he told me he had a good feeling about us two and that he should practice and polish his singing for my future wedding. Ira liked teasing me about the man I love and I used to tease and taunt him about what would happen to him once we got to finally meet.
Ira had admitted to me that he had cancer it shocked me and scared me, I didn't want to lose a good friend. Ira was still in his early 20s so I had hope he would live a long life yet and hopefully maybe even beat the cancer as everyday they learn new things.
Ira would be in and out of hospital weak and ill and it hurt to think of him in such situations at such a young age, thugh it would hurt no matter what age he was.
Ira went away into hospital in May and had said he would be there awhile this did not sit well with me.
In July I started having these bad feelings about Ira and his health Marc our mutual friend and I were both worrying so much about him, we now know why we felt that way as Ira died July 27th.
We were not aware we had lost such a dear friend then but the pain is so overwhelming now I find it almost hard to breath from time to time.
This video is a video of Ira ever kind and ever beautiful Ira always loved always missed ALWAYS REMEMBERED R.I.P <3

School

I have made alot of friends in class and at least one admirer I wish I didn't have.
I have been having alot of fun but I also was stuck working with some girls who do not know what team work means.
I need to sleep so I will not rant right now

this is what I was watching while writing this