I hate the month of April but love it as well, April showers bring May flowers Spring is here.
Last Year in April my life changed again that April my stepfathers mother died I had thought of her as a second grandmother and she was the only grandmother I was close to when I was young and older as well she has been the only grandmother I knew well enough since I was 8 years old I saw her more than my own blood related grandmother.
To my further dismay my blood related grandmother my fathers mother died a week after in the span of 2 weeks I lost both my grandmothers and became an emotional wreck I ended up dropping out from my internship at the daycare which lead to me being kicked out my course, with two months left to go I was no longer able to finish my college course something I regret on top of that my cat had died as well.
Last April I had to deal with 3 deaths and a broken dream although I always act like it is nothing I had worked so hard and had many good memories during the time I was in college and I felt I let down the people who were supporting me and encouraging me like my friend Ira who died a few months later. I always say it's fine I can take the classes I'm missing but the truth is I do not know if I really can since it's not on my trnscript that I even took the course so its as though I wasted my time though the things done in that time weren't a waste since I learnt so much but at the same time a part of me cant help wondering what a waste.
I bet if the younger me could see me now she would totally kick my ass at the way I have behaved the last 8 years.
Currently listening to.....
Monday, April 11, 2011
my past taught me
Before if people asked me about my childhood I wouldn't say much , I had to struggle alot and it was a painful time however yesterday while walking through the rain for over 2 hours I couldn't help but think that I had been wrong.
As I walked down the streets of my old neighbour hood and down memory lane I couldn't help the warmth that spread through me like a forest fire.
Walking around there were things and stores I hadn't seen before places that on the inside had changed and yet the outside remained the same, almost like a person except we tend to change a little on both the outside and inside.
Breathing in the fresh smell of nature I couldn't help remembering how I have always loved the rain and the smell in the air during and after the rain, momentarily I felt I was being reborn.
Closing my eyes instead of a bank standing infront of me I could see the building my friend's and their homes used to be in before an arsonist burnt the building down , then I could see the empty lot that stood there many years and even then I used to still see the building standing there in my minds eye.
Opening my eyes I continued on my way remembering the shop I used to go in and buy fortune cookies for a dime a cookie and how I loved how the shop smelled. With a turn of my head I could see the Bar my parents spent most their time in,I could see the door to go to the apartments above the bar and remembered all the times I walked up those stairs to see the mother of my dog so I could take her for walks.
I could see the Alley in between the Bar and my old building the alley that lead to the backyard I loved stashing my rock collection in and playing around with my friends. I remembered many situations all the times I would call up to my parents window from the park across the street, all the fun times I had in the park even though the park changed a little more each year it's still the same park I spent some of my best childhood memories in, with the people I have the best childhood memories with.
I looked at the resturant next to the Bar and remembered all the times I had spent in there as well playing the slot machines with my mom or eating a meal the owner of the resturant owned the bar as well I smiled and I realized he was still working in the resturant.
I had loved my time living in that apartment behind the resturant and Bar and I cherished the memories of those times so much all the bad things dissapeared into nothingness. I could see the building next to my old home and I remembered my stepfathers father no long part of this world now but forever in my memories and I could remember my dear dear friends Peter and John who had died in a fire in that same building 14 years ago this June.
I walked remembering so many times and so many people I then came to a spot I could never forget it had changed so much thanks to developement but closing my eyes for just a second I could see it again the raveen looking beautiful trees everywhere everyone making and destroying forts made in the trees always someone claiming what esomeone else had made and yet still managing to share.
The scary stories under the bridge and all the fools gold we found one summer fools gold I still have in my possesion though now it's more like gold dust even back then when I had first stumbled upon it the fools gold had reminded me of another memory it had reminded me of summer camp and now when I glimpse at it I am reminded of both the summer I spent running wild in the wilderness of the city jumping on trains as the flew down the tracks our hair blowing in the wind until we would jump off rolling through the grass hill or the summer when I was at summer camp in a canoe looking into the water at all the sparkling fools gold.
I cannot say I never had a childhood because I did it was just different from what we think a childhood is meant to be and although I cannot deny many bad and sad things happened I really did have alot of fun and happiness back during those days of my childhood.
I was starting to feel depressed by the end of my walk several times I thought to myself times, places, people, lives everything changes but there are things that will always stay the same be it a photograph or just a memory and feeling in your heart and I hope I have given someone else a reason to hold me in their memories of happy times together.
I hope that when others look back on times spent they will think to themselves oh we had such a good time then in that moment we were truly happy, and that in their hearts they can feel the warmth of that time and smile knowing life is only as bad as we make it out to be.
I have good and bad memories of my childhood and if I look only at all that made me smile and laugh I could say life was good even though things were bad and I cried alot things were good enough that I could always laugh and smile with those people who meant so much to me. That is what my past taught me lastnight.
This song is the one I am listening to right now and it fits rather well.
As I walked down the streets of my old neighbour hood and down memory lane I couldn't help the warmth that spread through me like a forest fire.
Walking around there were things and stores I hadn't seen before places that on the inside had changed and yet the outside remained the same, almost like a person except we tend to change a little on both the outside and inside.
Breathing in the fresh smell of nature I couldn't help remembering how I have always loved the rain and the smell in the air during and after the rain, momentarily I felt I was being reborn.
Closing my eyes instead of a bank standing infront of me I could see the building my friend's and their homes used to be in before an arsonist burnt the building down , then I could see the empty lot that stood there many years and even then I used to still see the building standing there in my minds eye.
Opening my eyes I continued on my way remembering the shop I used to go in and buy fortune cookies for a dime a cookie and how I loved how the shop smelled. With a turn of my head I could see the Bar my parents spent most their time in,I could see the door to go to the apartments above the bar and remembered all the times I walked up those stairs to see the mother of my dog so I could take her for walks.
I could see the Alley in between the Bar and my old building the alley that lead to the backyard I loved stashing my rock collection in and playing around with my friends. I remembered many situations all the times I would call up to my parents window from the park across the street, all the fun times I had in the park even though the park changed a little more each year it's still the same park I spent some of my best childhood memories in, with the people I have the best childhood memories with.
I looked at the resturant next to the Bar and remembered all the times I had spent in there as well playing the slot machines with my mom or eating a meal the owner of the resturant owned the bar as well I smiled and I realized he was still working in the resturant.
I had loved my time living in that apartment behind the resturant and Bar and I cherished the memories of those times so much all the bad things dissapeared into nothingness. I could see the building next to my old home and I remembered my stepfathers father no long part of this world now but forever in my memories and I could remember my dear dear friends Peter and John who had died in a fire in that same building 14 years ago this June.
I walked remembering so many times and so many people I then came to a spot I could never forget it had changed so much thanks to developement but closing my eyes for just a second I could see it again the raveen looking beautiful trees everywhere everyone making and destroying forts made in the trees always someone claiming what esomeone else had made and yet still managing to share.
The scary stories under the bridge and all the fools gold we found one summer fools gold I still have in my possesion though now it's more like gold dust even back then when I had first stumbled upon it the fools gold had reminded me of another memory it had reminded me of summer camp and now when I glimpse at it I am reminded of both the summer I spent running wild in the wilderness of the city jumping on trains as the flew down the tracks our hair blowing in the wind until we would jump off rolling through the grass hill or the summer when I was at summer camp in a canoe looking into the water at all the sparkling fools gold.
I cannot say I never had a childhood because I did it was just different from what we think a childhood is meant to be and although I cannot deny many bad and sad things happened I really did have alot of fun and happiness back during those days of my childhood.
I was starting to feel depressed by the end of my walk several times I thought to myself times, places, people, lives everything changes but there are things that will always stay the same be it a photograph or just a memory and feeling in your heart and I hope I have given someone else a reason to hold me in their memories of happy times together.
I hope that when others look back on times spent they will think to themselves oh we had such a good time then in that moment we were truly happy, and that in their hearts they can feel the warmth of that time and smile knowing life is only as bad as we make it out to be.
I have good and bad memories of my childhood and if I look only at all that made me smile and laugh I could say life was good even though things were bad and I cried alot things were good enough that I could always laugh and smile with those people who meant so much to me. That is what my past taught me lastnight.
This song is the one I am listening to right now and it fits rather well.
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