blah

I wonder what I am doing
I am so bored
life is boring sometimes I cry all of a sudden
I will remember something
or I will see something
and the tears will come automatically
I miss people
they dont have time for me
its kinda funny since I was suppose to be the busy one

I have the feeling someone is not as fine as they should be
I wonder if their feeling uneasy
I got this feeling inside that their not as happy as they should be
and I wonder if it has something to do with me.

currently listening to

another poem

like the rain the sky cries
my tears fall from my eyes
my heart resounds like thunder
as I trudge through this hail
this thunderstorm beating me down
I see you like a lightning flash
the moment I close my eyes

my memories play across the sky
thunder echoing over my cries
memories washing over me
harsh like this rain
pieces of my heart
falling faster without a say
flashes of lightning cannot distract me

you were all the elements in one
the universe, my stars, moon and sun
you were the one
now you are the one that got away
as I trudge through this thunder storm
hoping to find a sunny day

this song makes me cry specially right now

it happened

it was bound to happen
my biggest fear
my biggest insecurity
has come true
I really need to move on
try to love someone new
there are so many men out there
but I am stuck on one
I will move on though
at least he's still my bestfriend
even though it's hard
I don't want to give up
so I probably wont
but I will let go
I'll move on
I'll try to start anew
I felt like my heart had been crushed momentarily
and then I started to think
of the guys I could turn to
I felt kinda low
wanting to escape
by seeking warm arms
theres still one guy on my mind
I know I could use his warmth
he would offer it to me as long as I needed it
but I dont want to be a bad person
I don't want to be that type of girl
that guy is also one of my bestfriends
but he is a father of two
I dont want to walk that road
we barely have anything in common
I just want the warmth I know waits in his arms
the comfort I know he will give
no strings attached
no sex
just skinship comfort for a brokenheart

everything will be ok

alright I have taken my life in my hands
I have found a goal
I will aim and reach for it
with everything I am
I will fight for everything
I will be

this world is a crazy place we must take things as they are and work with them
I am ok now I know what I am doing and where I am going.

everyday we must put one foot infront of the other and walk forever taking with us the lessons we have learnt and applying them to our future endevers.

giving up

I'm really not fair
but I am dying here
trying to obtain something
I can not hold
how brave and bold
I must have appeared
how strong I always pretend to be
just like a weed
however I feel more like a sunflower seed
beauty surrounds me
I am like the sunflower
I reach for the sun
and I bend under the weight
I am fragile and easy to break
and yet I look so bold and strong
I guess I am an all or nothing type after all
I wish I never fell
I'm putting myself through hell
but that will come to an end
I will say good bye to my friends
I can't make ammends right now
back to life back to reality
i love romance but it's not for me
I'm tired of hurting people and being hurt by them
I am tired of being in love and yet being alone
so I wont think about it
I will bury myself in life
in living for my tomorrows
so I can move beyond my yesterdays

being in love isn't easy and when you cannot be with the person you are in love with it's even harder and when you can no longer talk as freely and openly with that person it becomes harder yet.
I am in love with my bestfriend who lives oceans away from me, he carries his own scars as I carry mine. I love him and treasure him so he will always remain an important person in my life regardless of the paths we take in life.
I wish for his happiness maybe abit more than I wish for my own, but I am going to start only focusing on me and living only for me and just trying my best to get out of this life I am living.
I can't help who I love or how fast and how often I fall in love with that person, but I need to focus on what I can get, have and do.

who knows maybe he will find someone closer to him to be with and maybe my feelings will change and I will fall for someone here as well.

only tomorrow knows what will happen tomorrow

random post

damn it all
I dont care anymore
I hate today
it's funny really
I am never home
but there's always something to nag me about
I go home sleep eat bath
I practically only sleep and wake at home

my mind is in turmoil these days
I have a question to ask
but I can't say it
no matter what I ca't ask it
I can't even say it here
because I can't risk it being seen

I fell in love so easily
and now I want to fall out of it
i need to fall out of love
recently I am fearing
fearing the pain of being pushed aside
I am scared I will be rejected
told I am not loved in the way I love
it wouldn't surprise me that much though

our greatest fears have ways of coming true
fearing failure often causes failure at some point
so I must remove the things that are feared
I scared of my love for him
so I must retract it and love myself with it
love myself enough for two
so no matter how long I am alone
the tears will no longer fall
I will not be lonely
having unequal love from someone I want to hold

free write

tell me your thoughts
tell me your feelings
tell me what comes to mind
when you hear my name
when I cross your mind
what thoughts and feelings
come attached to my existance
I know you care about me
but to what limit?
you have spoken words of love & longing
are those feelings still alive?
or have they been buried?
are you supressing them
behind that plexiglass wall
I feel this distance
its small and yet so penitrating
I feel as though I am looking at your heart
through a foggy window or a steam covered mirror
is it because I love you
that this screen has been put in place
although you are suppose to have love for me too
has the bandage fallen from our eyes?
are we now seeing different truths?
have the illusions changed to undigestable images
have I somehow become wanting of something
my weakness is in your hands
my insecurities and my heart
you can do what you like
I promise I wont fall apart
I have already been broken in the past
and it will not happen again
so I accept your friendship
and will let my love end

for who and what am I here?

alright school is coming to an end for the time being until I decide to return to finish my ECE diploma.

I have learnt alot the past 6 months about myself and others but mainly about myself.

I work hard but half the time I am not sure what I am working hard for, what is it I want to accomplish ? what am I trying to prove and to whom?

do I want to prove to others they are not wrong for believing in me ?
or do I want to prove to others they were wrong for not believing in me?
am I trying to prove something to myself?
or maybe to everyone who knows me I really don't know.

Am I trying to find a purpose in everything I have done til now?
everything happens for a reason but what are my reasons?
Pride love hope stubborness and insecurity

I can't tell if I am doing things for the better of life or doing things for all the wrong reasons because I think the over all outcome will bring me closer to happiness.

everything I do is either because I am unhappy or because I am searching for a deeper happiness.


my video choice for this blog I love this song from her

what I want

what do I want?

I want people to grow up

I want them to stop acting like children

I would also like to be taken seriously

I don't want to feel like I am not good enough I spent most of my life long into my adulthood feeling unworthy of thing because I felt as though I wasn't good enough I want to get rid of that feeling forever.

I dont want people feeling sorry for me I can do that well enough on my own and I don't want to feel sorry for myself because I have come along way in life and done more things than I believed I would or could.

I want to place my self value higher than others because I should always be my number one without myself I am nothing to no one because I would cease to exist I must care for myself first so I can be there when others need me.

I want to believe my dreams can and will come true even if they don't happen when I wish they will.

I don't want to ask people if I matter to them, I want to know I am special and unreplaceable to them.

I want to know I am the only one who can walk in my shoes.

I want to do something spontaneous and crazy

I want to do something I would never do something I would be too shy to do (like go up to someone I dont know and tell them how hot I think they are lol)

I want to leave an impression on everyone I meet (a good impression would be great)

I want to be my own hero as well as that of someone else.

I want to live each day as though I were dying and it was my last

Emoness

there is this pain that keeps coming back time and time again
the past couldn't prepare me for this
maybe thats because I let the mistrust go
or maybe it's because I learnt to truly believe in people

so much has happened in the past months

it hurts to feel a person truly is a million miles away from you whenever the person leaves I feel like I will cry because that small connection we have is lost the draw bridge between their world and mine has turnt to straw and flown in the wind when they are here the ropes are frayed but the bridge is still there when they leave the ropes that were binding yet frayed unwind complete I feel as though I am free falling.

why do I crave love and affection so much is it because I feel it so much and just want some of it returned to me to know that these strong feelings I hold are accepted and returned. I lvoe my friends and feel the need to show it to them but I need them to show their affections towards me as well.

how long must I wait for my dreams to come true?
I am losing hope in things I long for because there is no positive sign that things are worth fighting for anymore. Things feel empty and I don't like it, I haven't written in such a long time so here is a blog not so happy bunny over and out.