Live For Yourself!

Your life is yours to live, if you worry about everything you do because "Someone" may dislike it or you. When you stop living for yourself you get lost and confused, your real self becomes hard to find.
Who are you? What are you really like?
If you forget these things it's ok don't worry all you have to do is start living for yourself again.
Do things differently , rediscover your hidden self by being yourself, do the things you want to do without a care unless of coarse it's illegal of corse haha.

Don't worry about the opinions of others, don't let them restrain you, their opinions of you are after all just that Opinions are NOT truths!
Go be who you want to be and forget their opinions do not worry about the truths of those opinions, stay true to yourself. You make up your own mind do not give others the power to make you doubt yourself.
You are in charge of your own happiness & I hope and pray you find it & when you do cherish it like a beloved treasure.

November 11th

Previously posted on my Tumblr

This day is an important day, it is Not important to me because of this 11/11/11 make a wish stuff. I believe dreams and wishes alike come true when not only are they made from the heart but believed with your whole heart.

November 11th is rememberence day. The day celebrated by common wealth countries and the UK to remember the soldiers who gave their lives for people they never met they fought and died for us.

11/11/11 is the day the poppy is worn proudly a statement saying. ” I remember, you are Not forgotten and thank you for your sacrifice ” There are 3 reasons I’m alive today 1. Gods grace 2. My survival instincts 3. Thanks to the sacrifices of others from before my time. Be it the sacrifice Jesus made or the sacrifices that allowed my ancestors to live I am here today because others were willing to fight so my ancestors and I could have futures where their own lives ended in pain and bloodshed.

I am a proud Canadian with mixed blood I am Irish, Scottish, English, French, French Canadian most of my ancestors probably fought against each other as well as side by side my grandfather lost many family members to war and I am proud of them. I hate, war but I respect those who sacrifice themselves for me and my country for our people and for a better world. During the first world war in 1915 many Canadian soldiers lost their lives 117,000 Canadian soldiers gave their lives for a country said the be full of wimps who don’t fight I’d say our ancestors sure wasted no time giving their lives for others.

In memory of the fallen here is Lieutenant -Colonel John McCrae’s tribute and emotions about his fallen comrades.

IN FLANDERS FIELDS

In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row That mark our places ; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below

We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were loved, and now we lie In Flanders Fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe: To you from falling hands we throw The torch ; be yours to hold it high. If ye break faith with us who die We shall not sleep, though poppies grow In Flanders Fields

May 1915

I shouldn't react negitively but I feel very angry , I am a little possesive over my friends and family and have a hard time mixing them together. I have a big sister that is 3 years older than me when we were young she hated me tagging along with her because her friends were her friends! so when was it that all of a sudden it was ok for my friends to be hers as well?
I don't mind when her and my friends greet each other small talk when we are all gathered but at the end they are my friends. I know her friends and when they come around I am polite with them and make small talk if I see them on the street I will greet them , I however leave it at that I do not add her friends on my facebook because they are not MY friends and for that reason my friends should not be on Her facebook as well! I don't mind the friends that are added for the sake of games but when it comes to the point where you are talking all the time in chat and making plans to hang out that bothers me.
I feel angry because my friend added my sister because he found her attractive when I had him over at her house Saturday night they never even spoke beyond the initial introduction but once he got home he added her and now they talk alot and he wants to come over for pizza on friday even though we are having pizza on thursday with my bestfriend. I am not jealous that my ex from when I was 16 is interested in my sister I am angry that he's trying to be involved with my sister they are no good for each other and I don't need the drama.

In the past my sister has gotten involved with my exs and my boyfriends even though she would say she didn't know we were dating though and that she didn't know I had a crush on the guy and such. It always made me not want her to meet the guys I am dating even the guy I currently like sometimes I worry about introducing them coz I don't want hs attentions to stray but at the same time I do trust this guy.
I don't like mixing my family and friends because I know there will be drama.

Song Choice

sept 23rd

many things have happened recently, I almost don't know what to write about but I already made up my mind what I had wanted to express in this post.

Always love that girl
who spends every waking moment loving you
why ignore her unhappiness
unhappiness caused by you

always treasure her smile
it shines brightest for you
cherish her loving heart
it's filled of love for you

Always love that woman
who cries from loving you
try to understand her
the effort she makes loving you

do not take her for granted
when she's gone the blame will be on you
love her while she loves you
you stupid careless fool

UGLY

I would like to Share a link of a post I read on tumblr this post made me cry it was beautiful.



http://xxdeadbabydollxx.tumblr.com/post/9046185553/everyone-in-the-apartment-complex-i-lived-in-knew

---------

I am not sure what to write my original plan for this post has been lost
so I have a crush on a guy from swimming I am now friends with him so I'm pretty happy.

My brother and his family are going to the beach with my sister uncle and father this weekend my sister told me I felt like she had stabbed me in the heart knowing that I wasn't invited let alone asked to join them.

This weekend I get to spend time with my best friends I am excited and can't wait to spend the full day with them since it's been such a long time since the 3 of us hung out.





these pics were taken on easter too bad Jessie wont be with us though Jessie is on the Left end next to me Christina next to me and Angie next to her.

some of whats happened

so long since I last posted and so much that has happened I have no idea where to start writing from.

Cyworld has been resurected in a manner of speaking,there is a facebook group for it.
I was happy to become a part of it but I was also depressed at first because everythign I saw everything I read reminded me so strongly of Ira , I was once again faced with the cold reality that he is gone.

I've been making friends on it though I even met some people I used to talk to from time to time or even often though they don't all remember me I don't mind. I have been chatting in Stickam it's been enjoyable.

I met up with Some old friends from Highschool recently too , some turned out dissapointing others were entertaining.

In other news I started going back to J2 chat and having Friday night karaoke again, I cherish these times even as I miss those times long gone.
I miss Wai,Ammar and Shaun with a longing heart longng for that closeness and that bond we all shared. Time has proven once again not only that time and people change but that nothing lasts forever and nothing is set in stone no matter how firmly we believe something will last the only truth is all good things come to an end.

I've been swimming recently it was mainly to kleep Angie company but then I just liked it and figured it was a good way to get and stay in shape. I've found a guy I'm interested in at the swimming pool as well this past week I saw him twice but was too shy to talk to him. I am hoping I get another chance I need to at least say "hi".

I don't what any what might have beens or what could have beens I don't need any what if's I don't wanna let things end before they've even began.

More Videos

Videos of songs I love listening to

videos

These are some of my fave Youtube Artists some of my favourite songs and videos that express thoughts or feelings I feel or relate to.

dreams and men

someone told me the people we see in dreams are mixes of people we have met in life, and yet I still think to myself that is impossible! why are there such good looking men in my dreams.

for a long while now I have been having so many dreams I would love to get a better understanding of they say our dreams generally tell us thinga we either need or want to know.

for a while I was having dreams involving a guy I am not even really interested in and even in my dream I found he was creepy.

I fell in love in my dream as well that guy was amazing he was everything I could hope for perfectly imperfect he seemed cold outwardly but the warmth in his hand alone was enough that I still felt it 2 days after I had the dream.

I thought waiting before getting involved with someone would be good because I don't want to hurt someone needlessly when I walk down the path I've chosen.

sometimes I'm glad to be single other times I wish I had someone special to spend time with but I am enjoying my life regardless how poor I might be or anything else I am happy just to be alive being born was a blessing even if I had to go through hell just to be here saying I'm me and I'm proud to be me! I know there will be a day I will share time with someone else who is also truly happy to be by my side as an equal regardless of myu background or the money I don't have in my pocket.

random

it's been a long time since I last wrote,

there are probably many things I could have shared here many different times and yet instead I kept all those things inside.

not that long ago I was walking down the street and passed by someone I knew they were on the other side of the street I recognized them right away the person however had no idea who I was we passed each other by and I did not call out to them nor glance back we passed each other by neither of us missing the other not ccaring about the others existance as a matter of fact I made sure to walk faster in the opposite direction they were going in.

I never want to give someone else the power over my life, at the moment my sister ruined many of my chances because the moment I get a job I have a huge debt I have to pay and it drives me made when I think about this fact I tried to do something good for my nephew and she took advantage and ruined my credit.

I have alot ion my mind these days but I never know where one thing ends and another begins it's like everything melds together.

I miss some friends and have been avoiding other ones after a visiting one friend at their home for the first time I have been avoiding them to the point I wont even shop where I know they work unless it's the weekend coz I know they don't work on the weekends.

currently listening to

April Showers and Tears

I hate the month of April but love it as well, April showers bring May flowers Spring is here.

Last Year in April my life changed again that April my stepfathers mother died I had thought of her as a second grandmother and she was the only grandmother I was close to when I was young and older as well she has been the only grandmother I knew well enough since I was 8 years old I saw her more than my own blood related grandmother.
To my further dismay my blood related grandmother my fathers mother died a week after in the span of 2 weeks I lost both my grandmothers and became an emotional wreck I ended up dropping out from my internship at the daycare which lead to me being kicked out my course, with two months left to go I was no longer able to finish my college course something I regret on top of that my cat had died as well.

Last April I had to deal with 3 deaths and a broken dream although I always act like it is nothing I had worked so hard and had many good memories during the time I was in college and I felt I let down the people who were supporting me and encouraging me like my friend Ira who died a few months later. I always say it's fine I can take the classes I'm missing but the truth is I do not know if I really can since it's not on my trnscript that I even took the course so its as though I wasted my time though the things done in that time weren't a waste since I learnt so much but at the same time a part of me cant help wondering what a waste.

I bet if the younger me could see me now she would totally kick my ass at the way I have behaved the last 8 years.

Currently listening to.....

my past taught me

Before if people asked me about my childhood I wouldn't say much , I had to struggle alot and it was a painful time however yesterday while walking through the rain for over 2 hours I couldn't help but think that I had been wrong.

As I walked down the streets of my old neighbour hood and down memory lane I couldn't help the warmth that spread through me like a forest fire.

Walking around there were things and stores I hadn't seen before places that on the inside had changed and yet the outside remained the same, almost like a person except we tend to change a little on both the outside and inside.

Breathing in the fresh smell of nature I couldn't help remembering how I have always loved the rain and the smell in the air during and after the rain, momentarily I felt I was being reborn.

Closing my eyes instead of a bank standing infront of me I could see the building my friend's and their homes used to be in before an arsonist burnt the building down , then I could see the empty lot that stood there many years and even then I used to still see the building standing there in my minds eye.

Opening my eyes I continued on my way remembering the shop I used to go in and buy fortune cookies for a dime a cookie and how I loved how the shop smelled. With a turn of my head I could see the Bar my parents spent most their time in,I could see the door to go to the apartments above the bar and remembered all the times I walked up those stairs to see the mother of my dog so I could take her for walks.

I could see the Alley in between the Bar and my old building the alley that lead to the backyard I loved stashing my rock collection in and playing around with my friends. I remembered many situations all the times I would call up to my parents window from the park across the street, all the fun times I had in the park even though the park changed a little more each year it's still the same park I spent some of my best childhood memories in, with the people I have the best childhood memories with.

I looked at the resturant next to the Bar and remembered all the times I had spent in there as well playing the slot machines with my mom or eating a meal the owner of the resturant owned the bar as well I smiled and I realized he was still working in the resturant.

I had loved my time living in that apartment behind the resturant and Bar and I cherished the memories of those times so much all the bad things dissapeared into nothingness. I could see the building next to my old home and I remembered my stepfathers father no long part of this world now but forever in my memories and I could remember my dear dear friends Peter and John who had died in a fire in that same building 14 years ago this June.

I walked remembering so many times and so many people I then came to a spot I could never forget it had changed so much thanks to developement but closing my eyes for just a second I could see it again the raveen looking beautiful trees everywhere everyone making and destroying forts made in the trees always someone claiming what esomeone else had made and yet still managing to share.

The scary stories under the bridge and all the fools gold we found one summer fools gold I still have in my possesion though now it's more like gold dust even back then when I had first stumbled upon it the fools gold had reminded me of another memory it had reminded me of summer camp and now when I glimpse at it I am reminded of both the summer I spent running wild in the wilderness of the city jumping on trains as the flew down the tracks our hair blowing in the wind until we would jump off rolling through the grass hill or the summer when I was at summer camp in a canoe looking into the water at all the sparkling fools gold.

I cannot say I never had a childhood because I did it was just different from what we think a childhood is meant to be and although I cannot deny many bad and sad things happened I really did have alot of fun and happiness back during those days of my childhood.

I was starting to feel depressed by the end of my walk several times I thought to myself times, places, people, lives everything changes but there are things that will always stay the same be it a photograph or just a memory and feeling in your heart and I hope I have given someone else a reason to hold me in their memories of happy times together.

I hope that when others look back on times spent they will think to themselves oh we had such a good time then in that moment we were truly happy, and that in their hearts they can feel the warmth of that time and smile knowing life is only as bad as we make it out to be.

I have good and bad memories of my childhood and if I look only at all that made me smile and laugh I could say life was good even though things were bad and I cried alot things were good enough that I could always laugh and smile with those people who meant so much to me. That is what my past taught me lastnight.

This song is the one I am listening to right now and it fits rather well.

our friendship changes

I find our friendship has lost something
this relationship feels half hearted
there is something missing
before we would speak all day
we had so much to say
even if it was talking about nothing at all
but now theres only silence
and not the comfortable kind
it's the kind where nothing is left to say
not the silence that speaks unspoken things

listening to this now

school report

My Work Experience at Quality and Hilton Garden Inn Hotels

During my first week I was sharing my work with another intern so the days were long and slow. I came in at 8:30 and got to work on the guest repeats and entering business card data in the hotel interface. The interface is different from the IQware software I learnt in class. This interface leaves no space for mistakes if you make a mistake you can't go back and fix it. This made me nervous because I was worried I would make a mistake and not be able to fix it luckily I have not made any errors using the interface. I leave at 4 though on some days while the other intern was here I left at 3:30 as there was no work left to do. Breaks were taken while waiting for more tasks to be given lunch was taken at 12 and I was given an hour for it though some days I would only take 20 minutes since I knew I would be leaving at 3:30 that day.

Other than repeats I filled out what areas needed to be inspected for that week. I would also help stuff envelopes or address them; I continued doing the repeats, business cards and envelopes the second week as well as going over cancellation invoices and long term guests. I would highlight all the clients’ names and enter the information into the records on file. During my second week I was helping the admin and accounting departments as I was going through invoices and receipts and updating the records of the guests, making photocopies of everything. During this week we lost our internet as you had told us in class things get a little hectic when all your work must be done on the internet I got to use the business center to do my repeats that day but once I was finished that I went on to non computer related tasks. I started working on long term guest folders any guests staying five days or more get a folder with the Hilton. The folder contains a personalized welcome letter, information on the hotel, information on things they can do during their stay along with five sheets of personalize stationary and three envelopes. I also helped Gen with some of her work when I ran out of things to do when there was nothing left we would get sent home at 3:30.

The Third week I did most of what I had been doing the previous 2 weeks. I started entering Information on guests in the records noting how many waters or milks were bought, entered the amount of welcome plates, new customers, roses. Roses are given to female guests in a vase waiting for them and plates with chocolate are left as a welcome at the Hilton. The third week I worked more from the Hilton than the Quality but in both hotels I do work for both. Gen and I worked on the Christmas party gifts making gift boxes, putting the gifts together, noting what was in each gift, numbering them, wrapping them, sticking their respective numbers on them and then marking the numbers for the guests. I entered evaluations scores for the restaurant guests who rated the services of the restaurant; I was not surprised that most people had so much good things to say. I then started to print and file Helens joke of the day, every day Helen makes this new letter of sorts for the guests for the following day this little pamphlet contains a short story of no more than 2 pages motivational quotes with a brain teaser, with the answer and a joke. The folders had not been up dated so the work continued into week four. I had the chance to go on a room inspection with Lisa it was interesting I picked up on things Lisa had missed and it made me feel good that I could be of help, even the condition of the wallpaper and ceilings are important in a guests room.
 

Week four I worked on my normal tasks entering the repeats and business cards I also laminated cards for luggage tags which I previously forgot to mention I did in week 2 and 3 when I was stuffing envelopes. I printed letters and envelopes for the luggage tags being sent out next week when I will no longer be here. I helped deliver the long terms robes to their rooms, at the Hilton and Quality Hotels you get a personalize house robe that is white with your first name in blue letters and a pair of white slippers. I made more long term folders for the weekend and printed out and delivered the joke of the day filing a copy in the binders for records. I entered maintenance and housekeeping reports in the records stating all the repairs or things needing to be cleaned for the week I had also done some the previous week that I forgot to mention.

I felt very comfortable and well suited to the jobs I was doing, my past experiences working in an office had me used to the setting as well as always working at the computer in class. I felt very much at ease using their interface thanks to working with the IQware program in class, I also did not feel any discomfort talking to Guests who would casually ask me if the hotel had a shuttle, where the bathrooms were or how to get to a certain company thanks to practicing in class I knew how to answer them confidently. I learnt enough about the hotel I was in to tell the clients that there is a 24 hour shuttle, that the washrooms were straight ahead down the flight of stairs just around the left corner and that there were information pamphlets right next to the front desk that would give all the directions needed and that if they needed more help from there that the front desk agent would be more than glad to assist them further.

I have learnt it takes a lot of patience and hard work to succeed in the business and in keeping the business going. The hotel staffs really is like a family and although there are some that do not get along great with each other there is a certain level of respect and professionalism.

My experience has also made me realize I would like to work in a place that has good management; the owner in the hotel is admirable for wanting to be so hands on however his management skills can use some improvement from all I have observed. There are many great things about the hotels they work very hard to put the customer’s needs and contentment above all else. They have evaluations they give their clients for the hotel as a whole and for their restaurants and when there is a complaint in the evaluation they call the client and talk with them to find out how to improve things.

I was definitely shocked with the language used in the office at times but I could not deny how comfortable and welcoming the atmosphere of the staff that works in the hotels even when they do not know you they will greet you and have a conversation with you, I want to work in a hotel even more now thanks to this experience.
I worked very well I find since I completed my work quickly without error and at times was asked to slow down so I would have something to occupy my time while Helen tried to find other work I could complete.

I made some mini errors while working but none that I couldn't fix, I just needed to relax and focus on the screen. It can be intimidating when the big boss is so near to you but I learnt to just view him as another part of the staff and not as a threat.  

I got yelled at by a GSA the previous day there was a man who was impatient to wait for the owner so her left some papers on the desk I was working at asking me to give them to him when he was done. At the time he left the papers I was cleaning up so I could leave as it was almost four o'clock and the desk was rather untidy since I had been making folders and working on the joke of the day. The woman who shares the desk with Helen the woman I was working with decided to help me tidy up and I was sure she took the papers as she had heard what had been said to me. The next day when I got in there were a bunch of people at my desk and Helen asked me about the papers I told her and the others that the gentleman had left the papers right at the corner of the desk and that Sia the woman whom the desk normally was occupied with had taken the papers and the GSA snapped at me talking harshly as well as rudely to me. Helen stood up for me as the GSA snapped at me telling her to treat me better and not be mean to me as I am working for free and other such things she then when into the bosses office and came out with some papers from on his desk they were the ones that were left the day before, Sia had put them on his desk and the boss was looking everywhere else for them.

Before I would have snapped back at the GSA when being spoken to in a rude and harsh manner but that day I had completely kept my composure I believe my patience has improved greatly.

Good things about me would be I stay focused on the task at hand, when working with the computer I am quick and get the job done in as little time as possible, I am also very quick at putting together the folders.

If there was something I had to improve on I would say my relationships with other staff the first week I only spoke to the people I knew in the office and one or two other staff who spoke to me. I am still mildly reluctant to converse with many of the staff but as I start to feel more and more comfortable here I open up and speak to more people.

I need to adapt quicker to new people making new relationships is somewhat difficult to me since I tend to be a bit of a loner.

confusion

am I happy sad or mad?
half the time I can no longer tell
I'm happy for you
I'm mad at you
I'm hurt from you
I'm angry at myself
for falling for a man I never met
and trusting a man I knew I shouldn't trust
two men I shouldn't have loved
I gave my full heart to
and here I sit wondering
will the next guy be that way too?
I can't stop myself from falling in love
but I can't allow it to be with someone far from me
I learn my lessons well enough
I never love the same way twice
this time around I just want a companion
someone to spend time with
no sex no love no commitment
just friendship admiration and friendly dates
I wanted happiness like you
but I wont claim it the way you did

inspiration

"You have powers you never dreamed of.
You can do things you never thought you could do.
There are no limitations in what you can do except
the limitations of your own mind."


If we want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out.
To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.
-Mother Teresa


I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
-Jonathan Winters


Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it
with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.
--Henry Ward Beecher


The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost.
--Gilbert K. Chesterton


The mind is its own place, and in itself
can make a heaven of Hell,
and a hell of Heaven.
--John Milton


A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it.
--Frank A. Clark


People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither
does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.
--Zig Ziglar


Be miserable. Or motivate yourself.
Whatever has to be done, it's
always your choice.
--Wayne Dyer

these are quotes from the hotel daily settler that is given to the guests every morning with breakfast.

a good song I am listening to

blah

I wonder what I am doing
I am so bored
life is boring sometimes I cry all of a sudden
I will remember something
or I will see something
and the tears will come automatically
I miss people
they dont have time for me
its kinda funny since I was suppose to be the busy one

I have the feeling someone is not as fine as they should be
I wonder if their feeling uneasy
I got this feeling inside that their not as happy as they should be
and I wonder if it has something to do with me.

currently listening to

another poem

like the rain the sky cries
my tears fall from my eyes
my heart resounds like thunder
as I trudge through this hail
this thunderstorm beating me down
I see you like a lightning flash
the moment I close my eyes

my memories play across the sky
thunder echoing over my cries
memories washing over me
harsh like this rain
pieces of my heart
falling faster without a say
flashes of lightning cannot distract me

you were all the elements in one
the universe, my stars, moon and sun
you were the one
now you are the one that got away
as I trudge through this thunder storm
hoping to find a sunny day

this song makes me cry specially right now

it happened

it was bound to happen
my biggest fear
my biggest insecurity
has come true
I really need to move on
try to love someone new
there are so many men out there
but I am stuck on one
I will move on though
at least he's still my bestfriend
even though it's hard
I don't want to give up
so I probably wont
but I will let go
I'll move on
I'll try to start anew
I felt like my heart had been crushed momentarily
and then I started to think
of the guys I could turn to
I felt kinda low
wanting to escape
by seeking warm arms
theres still one guy on my mind
I know I could use his warmth
he would offer it to me as long as I needed it
but I dont want to be a bad person
I don't want to be that type of girl
that guy is also one of my bestfriends
but he is a father of two
I dont want to walk that road
we barely have anything in common
I just want the warmth I know waits in his arms
the comfort I know he will give
no strings attached
no sex
just skinship comfort for a brokenheart

everything will be ok

alright I have taken my life in my hands
I have found a goal
I will aim and reach for it
with everything I am
I will fight for everything
I will be

this world is a crazy place we must take things as they are and work with them
I am ok now I know what I am doing and where I am going.

everyday we must put one foot infront of the other and walk forever taking with us the lessons we have learnt and applying them to our future endevers.

giving up

I'm really not fair
but I am dying here
trying to obtain something
I can not hold
how brave and bold
I must have appeared
how strong I always pretend to be
just like a weed
however I feel more like a sunflower seed
beauty surrounds me
I am like the sunflower
I reach for the sun
and I bend under the weight
I am fragile and easy to break
and yet I look so bold and strong
I guess I am an all or nothing type after all
I wish I never fell
I'm putting myself through hell
but that will come to an end
I will say good bye to my friends
I can't make ammends right now
back to life back to reality
i love romance but it's not for me
I'm tired of hurting people and being hurt by them
I am tired of being in love and yet being alone
so I wont think about it
I will bury myself in life
in living for my tomorrows
so I can move beyond my yesterdays

being in love isn't easy and when you cannot be with the person you are in love with it's even harder and when you can no longer talk as freely and openly with that person it becomes harder yet.
I am in love with my bestfriend who lives oceans away from me, he carries his own scars as I carry mine. I love him and treasure him so he will always remain an important person in my life regardless of the paths we take in life.
I wish for his happiness maybe abit more than I wish for my own, but I am going to start only focusing on me and living only for me and just trying my best to get out of this life I am living.
I can't help who I love or how fast and how often I fall in love with that person, but I need to focus on what I can get, have and do.

who knows maybe he will find someone closer to him to be with and maybe my feelings will change and I will fall for someone here as well.

only tomorrow knows what will happen tomorrow

random post

damn it all
I dont care anymore
I hate today
it's funny really
I am never home
but there's always something to nag me about
I go home sleep eat bath
I practically only sleep and wake at home

my mind is in turmoil these days
I have a question to ask
but I can't say it
no matter what I ca't ask it
I can't even say it here
because I can't risk it being seen

I fell in love so easily
and now I want to fall out of it
i need to fall out of love
recently I am fearing
fearing the pain of being pushed aside
I am scared I will be rejected
told I am not loved in the way I love
it wouldn't surprise me that much though

our greatest fears have ways of coming true
fearing failure often causes failure at some point
so I must remove the things that are feared
I scared of my love for him
so I must retract it and love myself with it
love myself enough for two
so no matter how long I am alone
the tears will no longer fall
I will not be lonely
having unequal love from someone I want to hold

free write

tell me your thoughts
tell me your feelings
tell me what comes to mind
when you hear my name
when I cross your mind
what thoughts and feelings
come attached to my existance
I know you care about me
but to what limit?
you have spoken words of love & longing
are those feelings still alive?
or have they been buried?
are you supressing them
behind that plexiglass wall
I feel this distance
its small and yet so penitrating
I feel as though I am looking at your heart
through a foggy window or a steam covered mirror
is it because I love you
that this screen has been put in place
although you are suppose to have love for me too
has the bandage fallen from our eyes?
are we now seeing different truths?
have the illusions changed to undigestable images
have I somehow become wanting of something
my weakness is in your hands
my insecurities and my heart
you can do what you like
I promise I wont fall apart
I have already been broken in the past
and it will not happen again
so I accept your friendship
and will let my love end

for who and what am I here?

alright school is coming to an end for the time being until I decide to return to finish my ECE diploma.

I have learnt alot the past 6 months about myself and others but mainly about myself.

I work hard but half the time I am not sure what I am working hard for, what is it I want to accomplish ? what am I trying to prove and to whom?

do I want to prove to others they are not wrong for believing in me ?
or do I want to prove to others they were wrong for not believing in me?
am I trying to prove something to myself?
or maybe to everyone who knows me I really don't know.

Am I trying to find a purpose in everything I have done til now?
everything happens for a reason but what are my reasons?
Pride love hope stubborness and insecurity

I can't tell if I am doing things for the better of life or doing things for all the wrong reasons because I think the over all outcome will bring me closer to happiness.

everything I do is either because I am unhappy or because I am searching for a deeper happiness.


my video choice for this blog I love this song from her

what I want

what do I want?

I want people to grow up

I want them to stop acting like children

I would also like to be taken seriously

I don't want to feel like I am not good enough I spent most of my life long into my adulthood feeling unworthy of thing because I felt as though I wasn't good enough I want to get rid of that feeling forever.

I dont want people feeling sorry for me I can do that well enough on my own and I don't want to feel sorry for myself because I have come along way in life and done more things than I believed I would or could.

I want to place my self value higher than others because I should always be my number one without myself I am nothing to no one because I would cease to exist I must care for myself first so I can be there when others need me.

I want to believe my dreams can and will come true even if they don't happen when I wish they will.

I don't want to ask people if I matter to them, I want to know I am special and unreplaceable to them.

I want to know I am the only one who can walk in my shoes.

I want to do something spontaneous and crazy

I want to do something I would never do something I would be too shy to do (like go up to someone I dont know and tell them how hot I think they are lol)

I want to leave an impression on everyone I meet (a good impression would be great)

I want to be my own hero as well as that of someone else.

I want to live each day as though I were dying and it was my last

Emoness

there is this pain that keeps coming back time and time again
the past couldn't prepare me for this
maybe thats because I let the mistrust go
or maybe it's because I learnt to truly believe in people

so much has happened in the past months

it hurts to feel a person truly is a million miles away from you whenever the person leaves I feel like I will cry because that small connection we have is lost the draw bridge between their world and mine has turnt to straw and flown in the wind when they are here the ropes are frayed but the bridge is still there when they leave the ropes that were binding yet frayed unwind complete I feel as though I am free falling.

why do I crave love and affection so much is it because I feel it so much and just want some of it returned to me to know that these strong feelings I hold are accepted and returned. I lvoe my friends and feel the need to show it to them but I need them to show their affections towards me as well.

how long must I wait for my dreams to come true?
I am losing hope in things I long for because there is no positive sign that things are worth fighting for anymore. Things feel empty and I don't like it, I haven't written in such a long time so here is a blog not so happy bunny over and out.