The dark side of me

I was bullied my whole life in school and outside of school

I have alot of confidence until I am sitting by myself at night

I believe more in others than I believe in myself

I have stolen many times in my life

I have never been arrested but I have hideden a criminal and rode in a cop car too many times to count I've also had the cops pick me up from school in grade 7.

I have cheated on tests before

I have been suicidal

I have inflicted self harm

I have smoked and smoked up

I was an alcoholic when I was 18

I beat someone over the back with a 40 ounce glass bottle :"it didn't break"

I beat my favourite big brother with a pool cue

I stole 58$ from my father when I was around 9

I used to explore abandoned buildings

I still blame myself for claytons death years ago even though it wasn't my fault at all.

I am agressive and when I get really angry I throw things or imagine hitting the person with a frying pan or pot lol

these are some of the darker side to me things

more about me

Rainbows make me feel happy dreamy and sad
I find they are beautiful to look at full of wonder yet lonely as they can never be touched or reached, you always wonder just where the start and finish of the rainbow is. And wonder what magic the rainbow holds to place warmth in the hearts of those viewing it, the smiles on their faces easily given in that one moment of beauty.

I love stickers I always have I used to have Alot of sticker books and collections

I was addicted to playing pogs " for those who don't know they are cardboard circles with pictures on them and you stack them hit them with a round piece of plastic or metal ones even"

one of the most treasured special gifts I recieved as a child that I still have to this day is a zeddy teddy bear that belonged to my cousin Lou I still sleep with it on my bed or cuddling it.

My cat climbs on my chest and we pray together everynight, I come home brush my teeth go to my room then I drop my stuff on my floor put my jacket on the washer get undressed crawl under my blankets and say " Kleo it's prayer time" she climbs on my chest and we pray well I pray she listens.

everynight I plug my cellphone in at my head look at the person on my cellphone background then attempt to sleep.

when I get up in the morning and I am leaving my house I always have to text people to say good morning I love and miss them I cannot start my day without doing it.

I love Lemons I eat them like oranges

I cry listening to music, watching movies, reading books, watching tv I cry alot lol

I am scared of dying in a crash and alone

I want to have 4 children but will probably have none

I don't like clowns

I love thunder showers and watching lightening

I hate seeing butterflies with pins in their wings on display

I love watching natives dance at the pow wow

I have never ridden a horse but I would love to

I want to swim naked in clear mountain water

I want to get married on water

I love mozzarella cheese

Mice and rats scare me but I think mice are kinda cute

I have had my hair dyed most colours of the rainbow

I read oracle cards

I love my friends and just because some are only online friends it does not make them any less real to me.

if I could be anywhere in the world it would be with the person I love whom loves me back

I am used to always being alone for as long as I can remember I have spent alot of time alone ... I am me and I cannot change that though I have tried time and time again I will not try to change myself again.

things you may never have known about me

I eat ketchup on most things some of those things include ... steak, chicken, ham, eggs,mac and cheese, cold cut sandwhiches and shepards pie.

I like to scribble and doodle over my binders books note pads and papers

my school agendas are normally filled with pictures poems doodles and birthdays of the people I care for.

when I was younger I was so accident prone I split my eyebrow on the vans back door by walking into it trying to get our camping gear out the back.

in regards to that earlier I had split my knee open tripping on a noose of rope and my skirt lol it was really not my good day haha.

I am allergic to material bandaids the glue used makes my skin puff out

I hate public restrooms

I always wanted to have an orphanage

I fall asleep in the dentist office

when I was 13 I had a really short hair cut and wore boyish clothes half the time since I was a tomboy I got asked out by girls that summer more than my brothers did in 2 years. lol

I am afraid of heights but love them as well

I used to talk to my reflection when I was trying to figure out how to talk to people sometimes I still do.

I yell at the tv when watching movies or sports

when I play video games and I am making my character jump I "jump" with it

I make random weird noises and sounds when I play video games

when watching dance videos or playing dance games I sometimes make fun of the dances or try copying them "badly"

I always taunt and tease my friends and have a habit of being a pervert when I speak with them

sometimes I dress very whorish hahaha trying to picture it dont bother :-j haha

I owned my first radio when I was 12 which is around the time I fell in love with BSB I never stopped loving their music.

I think biting your toenails is disgusting

seeing blood sometimes makes me gag

I love watching bones

I spent years terrified of the dark now I love it

I like mixing juice and 7up or sprite

I am a lamer at drinking beer I think it is nasty

I eat pizza like a sandwhich or I remove all the toppings eat the toppings last and wont eat the crust unless its soft.

I locked my cousin and his bestfrend in the girls washroom in grade 7 with my friend

I love line dancing and the square dancing " I am a pretty bad dancer "

there are more things but this is what I will put for now

I love this song love his voice what a cutie this song gave me the idea to spill da beans lol

cards gone down

why is everything going wrong with my friends and family?
it's one bad thing after the othere and I took it out and the wrong people
I feel like an fool

I never healed from everything I went through with Bryan but I acted like I had I allowed myself to simply forget everything
I solved nothing and now I pay for it once again

how do I fix something when I do not know what is broken?
it's like opneing a watch and trying to decipher what is not working amount all the small gadgets.

I need to fix this I feel I am sinking I am back to the start of who I was when I was with bryan .
I feel helpless hopeless lonely and like I have no worth I am depressed again and I do not know how to keep happiness close while keeping pain away in a healthy wise way.

no one can help me but myself
but how do I start helping myself
I do not even know what is wrong
no one but my own mind can tell me what I need to do
I do not know how to be myself because I do not know myself anymore