my list

these are some of the things I would love to do
these are also things I have started to do.

everyday I need to tell two people they are loved and appriciated and that I am thinking of them.
I do not want to leave people wondering about their places in my life and heart and do not want to leave things unspoken life is short and regrets are hard to overcome.

I will do something just for myself minimum once a week

I will finish my course in hotel reception then I will finish my ECE course or that is what I would like to do if I can handle the pressure of having a job and doing the course.

I want to learn Bahasa Melayu to the point I actually know what I am saying and hearing lol

I want the new years count down kiss .... in all my years I have never gotten the kiss at the Zero count.(it might seem odd but there is just a part inside me that thinks its romantic somehow)

I want to have a family of my own a family I can be a real family with in the future I would really love to be a mother.

I think it would be great to have twins but I don't get to choose that lol

I would love to have 4 children though 6 is ok too lol

I want to move out of Canada

I would love to get the rest of my tat finished

I would love to meet my dearest friends online in real life

I want to swim naked with a man I fancy not in a pool but in nature

I want to jump off a waterfall

I want to sleep in an igloo and in the ice hotel

I want to get married on water

I want to be with the man I marry til the day I die being the only one I spend my life with in close shared intimacy.

I used to want to only be with one man the one I gave my all to the man I loved with everything I was and had but I realized I had never fallen into the depths of real and true love because I never loved or knew the true inner being as well as the outer one.I just loved what I thought I knew I also thought I loved when I had never truly known what love meant.

now I want to be with a man who is my bestfriend as well as lover a man who can be my equal as I can be his.

I want to be 120 lbs again

I want to be baptized

I want to sleep under the stars with nothing above me but the sky

I want to go to South Korea Japan Malaysia and many other places

the more I try to think of what I want to do and see and who I want to be the less I am able to think of lol

Two songs stuck in my head atm both have the same name and I feel this way.

let it all go

it's almost all because of me
I made things complicating it would seem
innocent words taken to heart
that's how everything started
the reason he departed
privacy needed was lost
for that there comes a cost
innocence is my folly
ignorance is my foe
love is my friend
so I'll let it all go

the glass within

I learnt something from a jackie chan and jet li movie the other day it made me think on a deeper scale if you have watched the forbidden kingdom perhaps you know about the part when he talks about the cup being full of knowledge and not being able to pour anymore in .
if a glass is full then you cannot add more into it without it spilling over.
in order to add more you must first empty the glass the trick is not to emptying by pouring it out but by swallowing the liquid in the glass first and then filling it some more.

I think my heart is that same way I pour the bad things in a corner of my heart where the knives have pierced it and this pain builds and builds to the point it spills over out my eyes. each time I empty the cup of pain through tears and honesty everytime I move on from a let down when I let it all go I allow more room in my heart for more knives to bring the tears to my eyes again. The problem is when you get filled with pain there is no room left for love.

with love the cup is never full we can never love enough people but sometimes we can feel as though we have invested all the love we have in a cup for one person and when we are depressed over that love its as though the cup inside can do nothing but spill over our tears and we think we love them too much and yet the glass inside fills with more love through every tear we shed.

our capacity for love and pain does it have a true limimt ? is there a class wide and tall enough to hold all the tears we cry due to love and pain?
and is there a glass wide and tall enough to contain all the love we hold inside throughout a life time.

I am trying to learn how to empty the cup without making a splash without hurting those I love and cherish without staining a by stander with the liquid inside the glass I am attempting to empty.

I have a bad habit of hurting the ones I love the most I will share a song I cant seem to get out my head there are words that are just took heart breaking and yet true why is it the ones we share our heart the most with are often the ones we never get to hold on to.

The dark side of me

I was bullied my whole life in school and outside of school

I have alot of confidence until I am sitting by myself at night

I believe more in others than I believe in myself

I have stolen many times in my life

I have never been arrested but I have hideden a criminal and rode in a cop car too many times to count I've also had the cops pick me up from school in grade 7.

I have cheated on tests before

I have been suicidal

I have inflicted self harm

I have smoked and smoked up

I was an alcoholic when I was 18

I beat someone over the back with a 40 ounce glass bottle :"it didn't break"

I beat my favourite big brother with a pool cue

I stole 58$ from my father when I was around 9

I used to explore abandoned buildings

I still blame myself for claytons death years ago even though it wasn't my fault at all.

I am agressive and when I get really angry I throw things or imagine hitting the person with a frying pan or pot lol

these are some of the darker side to me things

more about me

Rainbows make me feel happy dreamy and sad
I find they are beautiful to look at full of wonder yet lonely as they can never be touched or reached, you always wonder just where the start and finish of the rainbow is. And wonder what magic the rainbow holds to place warmth in the hearts of those viewing it, the smiles on their faces easily given in that one moment of beauty.

I love stickers I always have I used to have Alot of sticker books and collections

I was addicted to playing pogs " for those who don't know they are cardboard circles with pictures on them and you stack them hit them with a round piece of plastic or metal ones even"

one of the most treasured special gifts I recieved as a child that I still have to this day is a zeddy teddy bear that belonged to my cousin Lou I still sleep with it on my bed or cuddling it.

My cat climbs on my chest and we pray together everynight, I come home brush my teeth go to my room then I drop my stuff on my floor put my jacket on the washer get undressed crawl under my blankets and say " Kleo it's prayer time" she climbs on my chest and we pray well I pray she listens.

everynight I plug my cellphone in at my head look at the person on my cellphone background then attempt to sleep.

when I get up in the morning and I am leaving my house I always have to text people to say good morning I love and miss them I cannot start my day without doing it.

I love Lemons I eat them like oranges

I cry listening to music, watching movies, reading books, watching tv I cry alot lol

I am scared of dying in a crash and alone

I want to have 4 children but will probably have none

I don't like clowns

I love thunder showers and watching lightening

I hate seeing butterflies with pins in their wings on display

I love watching natives dance at the pow wow

I have never ridden a horse but I would love to

I want to swim naked in clear mountain water

I want to get married on water

I love mozzarella cheese

Mice and rats scare me but I think mice are kinda cute

I have had my hair dyed most colours of the rainbow

I read oracle cards

I love my friends and just because some are only online friends it does not make them any less real to me.

if I could be anywhere in the world it would be with the person I love whom loves me back

I am used to always being alone for as long as I can remember I have spent alot of time alone ... I am me and I cannot change that though I have tried time and time again I will not try to change myself again.

things you may never have known about me

I eat ketchup on most things some of those things include ... steak, chicken, ham, eggs,mac and cheese, cold cut sandwhiches and shepards pie.

I like to scribble and doodle over my binders books note pads and papers

my school agendas are normally filled with pictures poems doodles and birthdays of the people I care for.

when I was younger I was so accident prone I split my eyebrow on the vans back door by walking into it trying to get our camping gear out the back.

in regards to that earlier I had split my knee open tripping on a noose of rope and my skirt lol it was really not my good day haha.

I am allergic to material bandaids the glue used makes my skin puff out

I hate public restrooms

I always wanted to have an orphanage

I fall asleep in the dentist office

when I was 13 I had a really short hair cut and wore boyish clothes half the time since I was a tomboy I got asked out by girls that summer more than my brothers did in 2 years. lol

I am afraid of heights but love them as well

I used to talk to my reflection when I was trying to figure out how to talk to people sometimes I still do.

I yell at the tv when watching movies or sports

when I play video games and I am making my character jump I "jump" with it

I make random weird noises and sounds when I play video games

when watching dance videos or playing dance games I sometimes make fun of the dances or try copying them "badly"

I always taunt and tease my friends and have a habit of being a pervert when I speak with them

sometimes I dress very whorish hahaha trying to picture it dont bother :-j haha

I owned my first radio when I was 12 which is around the time I fell in love with BSB I never stopped loving their music.

I think biting your toenails is disgusting

seeing blood sometimes makes me gag

I love watching bones

I spent years terrified of the dark now I love it

I like mixing juice and 7up or sprite

I am a lamer at drinking beer I think it is nasty

I eat pizza like a sandwhich or I remove all the toppings eat the toppings last and wont eat the crust unless its soft.

I locked my cousin and his bestfrend in the girls washroom in grade 7 with my friend

I love line dancing and the square dancing " I am a pretty bad dancer "

there are more things but this is what I will put for now

I love this song love his voice what a cutie this song gave me the idea to spill da beans lol

cards gone down

why is everything going wrong with my friends and family?
it's one bad thing after the othere and I took it out and the wrong people
I feel like an fool

I never healed from everything I went through with Bryan but I acted like I had I allowed myself to simply forget everything
I solved nothing and now I pay for it once again

how do I fix something when I do not know what is broken?
it's like opneing a watch and trying to decipher what is not working amount all the small gadgets.

I need to fix this I feel I am sinking I am back to the start of who I was when I was with bryan .
I feel helpless hopeless lonely and like I have no worth I am depressed again and I do not know how to keep happiness close while keeping pain away in a healthy wise way.

no one can help me but myself
but how do I start helping myself
I do not even know what is wrong
no one but my own mind can tell me what I need to do
I do not know how to be myself because I do not know myself anymore

random

I think I have come to terms with all thats going on
and although it hurts inside
I am ready to carry on
life is not a fairytale
I know that this is true
but that doesn't mean that happily ever afters
in some sense don't come true
life is not a walk in the park
you have bad and good times alike
so why not hold our heads up high
and hope everything will turn out right

I am listening to whitney huston so I will just put that video

House of cards

my house of cards fell in
one thing after another stress over stress pain over pain things continued to build
the house of cards fell atop me
I felt the world crashing to my feet from my shoulders

why is it such a have the times been hard? I wish I knew
I have been feeling lonely more so that one of the people I count on is no longer around but maybe this is a good thing although it is both painful and lonely
I need to worry only of myself and stop worrying about others
that doesn't help me much but hey I'll do what I need to do
I can get through anything who cares who is there are not
I have spent a majority of my time alone or feeling lonely so why should it matter now?
I will throw my worries my feels my heart itself if I have to out to the wind and let them go with out a worry without a care.
What is the point of having friends if at the end of the day I still feel lonely?
why hate life when I have a roof over my head and some sort of food in my stomach and some kind of health there are people who have less in life and love it more than I do.
I am thankful for all god has given me and taken from me I am sure it was to teach me something I do not know what but I am sure his intention was not for me to feel unconfident and like someone worthless of any and everything.

time for me to have another metamorphasis perhaps
I do not trust easily nor do I give my heart as easily but sometimes I give it all freely and then later I get hurt and regret doing so but no more regretting opening my heart and giving in to others instead I am going to be thankful for having them in my life and move on to the next life lesson I am meant to learn.

I have been doing good in school regardless of all my stress and all my conflicting thoughts and feelings. I have almost always been good in school regardless of how bad everything else in my life has been so it's no surprise I am still able to do well though I regret dropping out of college but that was because it was for the good of the children since I really was unstable.

it's 9:08 pm now and I am going to go to bed since I am ill at the moment

this is the song I am listening to right now

I will babble

so many thoughts, so many feelings.....

I will just be random here is part of a song I was humming I threw the words together on my own .....

life is not a fairytale and dreams don't all come true but when I close my eyes at night I find myself with you, so even when you're far away you're always here with me though I cannot hold you close to me I'm with you everytime I sleep.
just a moment of hearing your voice drowns out the worlds noise and raises me so high
just like a whisper you fade into the night when morning comes you're no where in sight

life is not a fairy tale dreams don't all come true but when I close my eyes I'm standing beside you life isn't easy I know it isn't fair all I want is to know that you care.

dreams are for sleeping life is to live something somewhere has really got to give
I know I should let go and live in reality but love isn't easy and it stole my heart from me.

life is not a fairytale and dreams don't all come true but when I close my eyes at night I find myself with you, so even when you're far away you're still here with me.

I have two songs on my mind but only parts of them I wonder how they would sound mixed together I have the one song stuck in my head it was the song I was thinking of when I made up the one above. That song was the one from High School Musical



the frst time I heard this song I cried
the words strike my heart I have been there so many times

It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song

Now I know you're not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you

have a safe trip

so many things are going through my head
I have alot weighing heavy on my heart
but there are things in my life that make me smile
knowing I have that one person who is always there for me
and although when she leaves on her trip I will miss her greatly
I am happy to know she will be doing something that enlightens her and lifts her soul
she is a very precious person to me and I hope she has a wonderful trip
when she comes back hopefully I will have sent her a package filled with treasures
things I will not slip up and reveal as she hoped I would :p
she has bee the only thing to stop me from spending my nights sulking around lonely

this guy is awesome I am a big fan lol this songs soooo catchy lol

miss you

I miss you enough to cry just thinking of you makes my heart clench although I smile at the thought of you my heart hurts missing you why do we all live so far apart normally I wish I was somewhere else now I wish we were all somewhere else being with just one person I love and miss it may be enough but being with all the ones I love and miss would be best I am lonely and hurting I feel like I am lost in a sea of people whom I don't know a sea of faces that don't know mine I feel like I've a festering tumor in my mind waiting to rob me of my thoughts & consciouness like I will blank out and fade away into nothingness I feel as though I am a ticking walking time bomb unsure of when I may explode and who may become one of my casulties

I can't add a video it wont work once I get home I will add one

I miss you

I miss you everything you are everything you made me I miss me the me with you the me on my own I miss us all of us together the shared laughter the sweetness of being together friends and lovers united


I love this song it is one of my faves as well as being by a fave singer.

lil sis

I am sitting here crying knowing my little sister is crying
her heart is breaking and all she wants is her mother
and all her mother wants?
to be in a hotel room where she is getting intoxicated and having sex
meanwhile her daughter wants to kill herself
I hate the bastard who seems to never know when how to treat my baby sister like the precious jewel she is.
I am trying to stay calm but I feel like I am breaking in a thousand pieces I really do not know what to do.
my heart's racing my tears as my tears race down my face at an amazing speed I cannot hold this flood of pain and fear back.
I have tried to get her to come to me or let me come to her but I have been rejected I do not know where she lives so I cannot go to her regardless of where she is.
She wants her mother and without her she just might commit suicide and here I will be sitting trying to stop my shaking and tears wondering how to help my sister when all she wants is her mother who isn't there for her.
I feel useless and pathetic I can't help her and she doesn't want my help I am not a good enough sister to her that she needs me.

I pray she will find the right road to walk on and find hapiness like no other

thankful

Thanksgiving was last week,
I took the time to sit and really think
what am I thankful for?
every night I pray thanking god for the chance to be alive
I thank god for all I have been given
thank him for all I have lost
thank him for the air I breath,
the water I drink and bathe myself with
thank him for the warmth and coldness I have in my life
thankful for being alive no matter what storms I find myself in
thankful for the people,
those who love those who hurt those who leave me
and those I love, hurt and leave as well
I am thankful for having friends as well as enemies
for those who hate me have a reason inside to hate me
be it that I have what they want or that our persionalities are too different
I am thankful I have a life to call my own
even if I am sometimes unhappy this life is mine and I cherish all that is in it.

song I am listening to atm....

Little sister

blood does not tie us to one another
but my heart shouts you're my sister
water may be thinner than blood
but you run thickly through my heart
your pain weighs heavy on my heart, spirit and mind
you are my little sister
no matter if our blood or names are not shared
I love you little sister
even when we are awkward with each other
and our worlds just aren't right
when you feel the end is near
don't give up the fight
I am your big sister and I am here to make things right
I cannot save your world
but I can cry with you tonight
I cannot slay all your demons
but I can stand by your side and help you fight your fight

This video is to my lil sister...... Translation underneath



Petite Soeur,

Little Sister,

Je connais ta peine et ta douleur,

I know your sadness and your pain

Les places qu'elles prennent dans ton Coeur,

Places they occupy in your heart,

J'étais la même Petite Soeur,

I was the same Little Sister,

Petite Soeur...

Little Sister ...


Je te vois regarder par la fenêtre,

I see you look out the window,

Comme si c'était Moi, comme si j'étais dans ta tête,

As if it was me, like I was in your head

Crois-moi, Petite Soeur, le silence et le froid,

Believe me, Little Sister, the silence and the cold,

Je connais par Coeur, j'y suis passé avant Toi !

I know by heart, I've passed before You!

Je te vois attendre, attendre que tourne ta chance,

I see you waiting, waiting for your luck to change,

Là je tends dans l'indifférence, hey,

Here I tend to indifference, hey,

Tu refais la liste de ce qu'il ne va pas,

You redo the list of what is going wrong,

Tout n'est pas si triste, tu te dis c'est déjà ça !

Not everything is so sad, you tell yourself it already is!


Petite Soeur,

Little Sister,

Je connais ta peine et ta douleur,

I know your sadness and your pain,

Parce que j'avais la même dans mon Coeur,

Because I had the same in my Heart

C'est Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur, Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur...

It's You and Me, Little Sister, You and Me, Little Sister ...


Petite Soeur,

Little Sister,

Je sais comme ça brûle, à l'intérieur,

I know how it burns inside,

J'ai eu le temps d'apprendre de mes erreurs,

I had time to learn from my mistakes

C'est Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur, Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur...

It's You and Me, Little Sister, You and Me, Little Sister ...


Petite, essuie

Small, wipe

Les larmes sur ta joue, la vie est ainsi,

The tears on your cheek, life is so,

Parfois on prends des coups,

Sometimes we take shots,

Mais on se relève, plus forte et plus fière,

But we get up, stronger and prouder,

On s'accroche à ses rêves et on passe les frontières...

we cling to our dreams and it cross the boundries ...

Petite Soeur,

Little Sister,


Je connais ta peine et ta douleur,

I know your sadness and your pain,

Parce que j'avais la même dans mon Coeur,

Because I had the same in my Heart

C'est Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur, Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur...

It's You and Me, Little Sister, You and Me, Little Sister ...


Essuie tes larmes !

Wipe your tears!

Pleurer ! Ca sert à quoi ?

Crying ! What's the point?

La vie est ainsi ! Un jour, ça passera,

Life is so! One day it will pass,

Passent les peines d'Amour, celles qui font douter de Soi,

Pass sentences of Love, those that make you doubtful of yourself,

Les mots, les discours...

Words, speeches ...

Tout ça s'effacera !

All this will disappear!




Petite Soeur,

Little Sister

Je connais ta peine et ta douleur,

I know your sadness and your pain,

Parce que j'avais la même dans mon Coeur,

Because I had the same in my Heart

C'est Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur, Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur...

It's You and Me, Little Sister, You and Me, Little Sister ...

Petite Soeur,

Little Sister


Je sais comme ça brûle, à l'intérieur,

I know how it burns inside,

J'ai eu le temps d'apprendre de mes erreurs,

I had time to learn from my mistakes,

C'est Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur, Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur...

It's You and Me, Little Sister, You and Me, Little Sister ...

Petite Soeur,

Little Sister,


Je sais comme ça brûle, à l'intérieur,

I know how it burns inside,

J'ai eu le temps d'apprendre de mes erreurs,

I had time to learn from my mistakes,

C'est Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur,

It's You and Me, Little Sister,

Petite Soeur...

Little Sister ...

you don't know my heart

I was talking to an important friend yesterday.

When talking about my heart I compared it to a marshmellow soft and mush yet hardens when left out and melts when heated.

My heart heals and it looks as though there are no scar just like a marshmellow my heart sticks back together messily.

there are people in this world in my life who know my heart very well , and yet they know so little about it as well. They know my feels I share they know their places in my heart but they know not of the pain in it or the fear in it.

I never truly show my true self after all the pain I've been through I learned to just hide things inside for most part.

I rarely show the bad sides to my heart or mind to the people in my life.
My friends only know the me I let them see, when I try to show them who I am inside I feel like I am being told I am someone I am not. I show who I really am how I really am and have people telling me thats not who I am , do I not know myself?

I am an emotional wreck often having spent so many years fighting depression,abuse at home, abuse at school , self abuse, and abuse by friends and partners.
Throughout the years those things have not helped me to be happy but I have found some happiness amoung friends, my online friends do not know many of the situations I have had to face and in some ways I wish I knew them during that time when I needed people like them the most.

I wish that I could open my heart to everyone so they can seem the many scars still half scabbed and bleeding on my heart but I have too much barriers and pride I guess for me to show them the little girl and the real me hiding inside the me I show them.

I wish I could show them my many sides and not just the sides I believe are my better ones along with a few weaknesses in the mix.

The song I am listening to at the moment is Cry by Rihanna I once related to this song I still remember feeling the same way as the song.

Fuck off, fuck it and fuck you

I'd like to say fuck you but to whom am I saying it to?

I'd like to cry but what would that change?

I don't really care what they think and yet a voice inside and a stabbing pain wordlessly says " fuck you, you're such a fucking liar"

how well do they know me? some would say alot and I would want to say fuck you , you haven't a clue who I am.

I became so good at holding things in and hiding myself that everything has started to spill over like leaving room for an ice cube and still having the liquid spill over the glass.

I am depressed and angry I hate life atm even when I accomplish something I didn't think I would I can't feel the happiness I should.

I feel like dissapearing just melting away into nothing

they can say they understand all they want but it doesn't change the fact they are not walking in my shoes, their hearts are not in the condition mine is in I feel my mind is tearing itself apart trying to answer questions for me it has no answer for.

I can't find happiness right now because all I can find are tears on my face and anger swelled in my chest.

I know the real me is not being seen and that is annoying me
my words are falling on deaf ears the meaning of my words lost on those who appreciate nothing my heart feels for them.

I am having a hard time going on playing these everything is ok games because things are not fine but I can't even start to express all the reasons why I'd rather fade into the background then be who they think I am.

time for me to go home I wont be on here for some time other then maybe when I am in school god knows I need to blow off steam when I am there.

song for the post this song has alot of meaning to me



Lyrics and translation

Sir Pathétik Aquarium

On a pas le droit de toucher un enfant

(we do not have the right to touch a child)

d'briser l'enfance de quelqu'un

(to break the childhood of someone)

garder l'silence vivre avec ça

(keep silence live with that)

se sentir la chose de quelqu'un

(to feel like an object of someone)

aie jamais peur de dénoncer
(never be afraid to give up)

l'adulte qui a briseé ta vie
(the adult who broke your life)

malgré le mal qui t'habite

(despite the pain you live)

essais d'apprétier la vie

(try to appriciate life)

aprés la tempête viennent des jours
(after the storm come the days)

remplis de bonheurs

(filled with happiness)

c'pas de ta faute pis malgré tout

(it's not your fault and despite all)

cèsse d'avoir peur

(stop being scared)

fais confiance que deamin

(have confidence that tomorrow)

c'est meilleur qu'aujoud'hui

(is better than today)

fonce dans vie, laisse personne

(strive in life, let no one)

prendre le controle de ta vie

(take control of your life)

(refrain)
sans permission tu l'as brisé pis t'as gâché sa vie

(without permission you broke her and ruined her life)

t'as faite quequchose qui se faisait pas

(you did something that's not done)

quand elle te coyait son ami (

(when she believed you were her friend)

en dedans d'elle, elle fait plus confiance à personne

(inside she has no confidence in anyone)

depuis ce jour là elle se referme dans son aquarium

Since that day she locks herself inside her aquarium

the ones who survive they know
the ones who get by they know
the ones who defy they know
that thing will never be the same again

c'est le passé ,c'est parfait

(it's the past, it's perfect)

dis-toi que demain c't'un autre jour

(tell yourself tomorrow is another day)

aie confiance en l'avenir

(have faith in the future)

aux beau jours pis l'amour

(in good days and love)

tsé la vie c'est spécial

(you know life is special)

ca s'passe pas toujours comme on veut

(things don't always happen as we want)

y faut le courage pour changer

(it takes courage to change)

pis se metre

(and to put)

d'l'espoir dans les yeux

(hope in our eyes)

sois plus bright

(be more bright)

fais-toi ton coin de paradis

(make your corner in paradise)

c't'un veux rien, y mérite pas de gâcher ta vie

(he was a nobody he doesn't deserve to ruin your life)

sois fier de toi, pis garde la téte haute

(be proud of yourself and hold your head high)

efface c't'époque là de ta tête

(erase that time from your mind)

pis passe à autre chose

(and think of other things)

sans permission tu l'as brisé pis t'as gâché sa vie

(without permission you broke her and ruined her life)

t'as faite quequchose qui se faisait pas

(you did something that doesn't get done

quand elle te coyait son ami

(when she believed you were her friend)

en dedans d'elle, elle ne fait plus confiance à personne

(and inside her, she no longer trusts anyone)

depuis

(since)

ce jour là elle se referme dans son aquarium

that day she closes herself in her aquarium

the ones who survive they know
the ones who get by they know
the ones who defy they know
that thing will never be the same again

wish i could ease your pain
i'd come throught and i'd change the rain
to sunshine like one time and erase the shame
girl you ain't to blame
just go, go juste to you thing
i know your life is stained
but inside you're still the same
you've been through so much
i'm glad you're finally out of his clutch
he's got a new life supplied wiht hand cuffs
and if you try you'il find you can trust
again
and i know it's been hard
but sometimes you're dealt some bad cards
and some folks they make some bad calls
they keep coming when you yell back off

sans permission tu l'as brisé pis t'as gâché sa vie
t'as faite quequchose qui se faisait pas
quand elle te coyait son ami
en dedans d'elle, elle fait fait plus confiance à personne
depuis
ce jour là elle se referme dans son aquarium

the ones who survive they know
the ones who get by they know
the ones who defy they know
that thing will never be the same again

Mighty Morphing Psycho Bitch

yup yup that's me.

recently I have felt very much like there is a bomb ticking inside of me, it's ready to blow at any time.
How does she piss me off SO easily ? I have deep affection for her but recently all I can think is god I want to smack her around!

I feel she is starting a silent war this woman with no name, this woman I will name Nanashi (she with no name) just for the sake of giving her a name.
There is a line she is starting to cross ever so slowly, the line between me being a sister and me being a bitch.
I am a nice person but every nice person has an evil dirty devil dwelling inside, the life I have lived has given me a sinister demon within my soul very deeply buried but it is there.
Cross the line and watch me morph into psycho bitch, I am so patient and passive with many but you can only push me so far.

I have stuck by the side of my friends as well as I can, I do not know why so many do not believe in returning that kidness.
I am fed up of so much I can't even find words to truly express myself.

Ammar tonight told me I am not like myself, he is right I hide my feelings normally I just smile at people and joke around.
Many people do not know my sensitive emotional side but thats very much the biggest part of me I just hide the emoness well.

I am overwhelmed by agression and negitivity and ready to burst, it's only a matter of time before I morph and transform into a me I have never shown, a me not many know.

I will take this time to apologize in advance to the ones I love the most I just feel I am at the end of my rope. I am always open and honest and that will never change the difference is with the ones hurting and angering me I maybe cruel and it will have nothing to do with cruel to be kind I will be cruel to be brutal as they have been to me and my heart.

and my song choice for now is The Rasmus In the Shadows

A million thoughts, A thousand tears

My mind is a sphere circling and dangling by a silken thread,
the thread of sanity fueled by emotion and logic.

There are silent screams and screaming thoughts beating my brain from inside my skull.
I have a head ache like no other, I'd like to bash my fucking head in.
Trying to fight the pain of the thoughts away with a wall of indifference and anger, those things do not help at all.

I feel so tired and yet I cannot sleep even when I am not fighting the thoughts in my head sleep eludes me.
I cry silently cursing inside my mind wonder what the hell is wrong with my head and heart, what is wrong with me? why am I feeling so low what did I do and what have I done?.

School is great though my emotions are mixed over it as well.
I hate the bitch that's always acting like she is better then everyone else, the bitch who answers things stupidly as though she hasn't read or understood the question and isn't taking things seriously and who believes she is special enough to not have to come to school at the same time as everyone else but later and then does her own thing when she is in class I hope she fails she deserves it.

I dislike these three pakistani men in my class they piss me off so much.
they do not listen when they are spoken to actually scratch that they don't listen at all. The teacher will explain things and answer questions and all three ask the same question at different times, after it was already was explained and it was easy enough to know without her telling us. It is common sense when taking a msg if the person wants you to call back you check they call them back box and if they were returning a call you check returning call box stupid dumbasses.
They have no sense of personal space even when you explain to them they are too close,a man should never be glued to a womans side unless she invites him to her side or they are a couple. I love my personal space I do not like any Tom, Dick or Harry in that space.
As if having one of them leaning over me trying to flirt with me being suggestive wasn't bad enough Thursday one of them helped themself to touching my ass,I wanted to break his hand.

I find myself growing tired of the attitude of one of my classmates as well, I remind myself I am hanging out with younger girls but every now and then I feel like smacking some respect into one of them. I do not like being told what to do arrogantly as though I am a persons underling and this girl is very demanding.


There are times I wonder if I am part of a family not the family I made up of friends I love and cherish but and actual family. I have aunts and uncles, cousins, sisters, brothers, niece and nephews one grandfather and my parents of course so why do I not feel like I am part of a family. Why am I left out of everything just yesterday they buried my grandmothers ashes, I was sitting right here when my father and grandfather were talking about it and I was not asked if I would like to come along as well it hurt.My big sister and I watched a video it was a photo montage of my grandmother from her funeral and photos taken during it. My sister and I were not in almost any of the pictures other then one from the place we all gathered to eat after the church but not a single picture of us as children and we were not even asked if we had any which I do have some, worse of all was that there was not a single photo of my little brother in the whole thing. I feel like inside I am half broken and that it's my family that made me that way.

My patience my temper it's all on fast response I am irritable recently everything is hurting me, angering me or just making me feel like giving up.

There is a friend who has hurt me in ways she can never know, sad thing is she will never even notice it. I give my heart freely and hold nothing back but I get so little in return , I rarely ever complain about such matters to anyone really I keep it all for myself.
I always thought I was vieweed as someone trust worthy, someone you can trust your heart with and know I would not engrave my name on your heart under the words betrayal but place myself insde the heart under the words love.
I feel I have greatly been underestimated and taken for granted,when my friendship, devotion and heart are questioned in a friendship I in turn question those of the questionaire I have never left a friend alone in the dirt.
Friendship is something I value most in my life.
How deep am I embedded in your heart? why do you turn your back on me but continue to speak with those closest to me? you make me feel wanting and lacking not worth your time unless no one else is there to give you their time.
Am I only a near dear friend when I am the only one around? when you need to destress and have a bitch fest and get all your complaints against the world out and off your chest.
There was a time I knew where we stood where the love and friendship was clear then poof you disspeared and you changed I was no longer good enough other then when you had time to spare am I a friend or only a friend when it's convienient for you? I feel under valued actually I feel my worth to you is less then that of others even though you always act like we are so close we can be in a call and you will not even pay any atention to me at all.
Do I really exist when others are around or am I invisable after all when you are not in need of me.

I miss Ira I miss his advice and his smile and his kindness, I miss having the pure friendship we shared and the fun times we had together.
I miss the times I would feel free to opely admit my weaknesses and faults and know things not only were ok they would be ok and that there would be no judgement only suggestions on how to make things better faster. I miss when being upset and hurt was only me having a bad day.

I am so greatful for my friends I know are those from the heart friends like Ira who inspire me and who make me feel being me is a good thing and that I am loved for being exactly who and how I am.
I have friends that I really don't know where I would be right now without like my two bestfriends Angelika and Christina they have helped me through alot put up with alot and never gave up on me not even when I had already given up on myself.
From the first day I met Albandari, Shaun, Ammar and Wai I have felt the bounds of honest pure friendship that came straight from the heart these people are my bestfriends and mean the world to me. I love them very much they have all helped me become a better more open person I am more honest with myself since I met them I am truly thankful to have them in my life.

Since I am listening to this song right now it will be my post ......kau ilhamku means 'you're my inspiration' according to my friend who posted the song on my FB

Poussiere d'ange (Angel Dust) Happy Birthday

This song has been stuck in my head since I found out about my little sister being pregnant and since I saw our sister write that she will be une bonne maman juste pas metenant just like in this songs lyrics......

you will be a good mother but not right now. it broke my heart to see those words written and I couldn't believe it because as long as there is love and devotion today or tomorrow my little sister would be a loving mother to her child.

I am affect by the life and deth of her unborn child as though it were my own, perhaps that is because she is my little sister since she has been less then 1 years old I have watched her grow. There have always been complicated feelings where she has been involved as she took my place as being my fathers youngest daughter. She got to be my fathers little girl when all I had ever dreamed of was being "Daddy's lil girl" but I loved her so much I could barely even muster the energy to be jealous of her. I was hurt when he decided he would adopt her but she was my dear sweet and cute little sister anyways and I loved her.

I found out that she thought I hated her I had never heard something so outrageous before. I am awkward with her because of the different emotions that were always involved because the older she got the more attitude she got, and when she was angry she knew just how to hurt you. She knew the most painful things to a person's heart and she used them she once told me I have all your fathers love and he loves me more then you and it cut like a knife because it was a deep rooted fear/doubt and also seemed like the truth as my father neglected more then anything else.

my sister has lived a hard life, her parents and my father have put her in situations she never should have dealt with.
Her mother did no set a good example for her and she started to become a lost cause, until at the age of 16 she found out she was pregnant.
Pamela has changed from doing speeds and smoking up all the time and getting drunk she went cold turkey the minute she found out she was pregnant.
She wanted to do right by her child she wanted and already loved her unborn baby, she was willing to spend the rest of her life loving that child.

No one wanted her to keep the baby least of all it's father, he told her right away she was having an abortion left no room for discussion plain and simple your getting rid of it.
The only people in the family who wanted her to keep it was her mother and I, she wanted to raise her child and I wanted her to give it life even if I had to raise it the first little while myself.
She wasted no time writing it all over her facebook about how she loved her baby and would never stop loving it and how she couldnt raise it alone and with no support, she wrote about how she would never forgive her boyfriend for making her go through with terminating her pregnancy.
My one hope had been that she would be too far along to abort , my wish didn't come true sadly.
I had nightmares about it and cried over it and today when I heard her broken voice on the other end of my phone i wished I could hold her tightly in my arms and just cry with her.
My little brat of a sister who always had so much spunk spirit and attitude was a spiritless broken soul and it cuts and burns like a knife coated in vinegar through my heart.

the English lyrics of the song are as follows

Take a deep breath
Do not stay upright
Open your eyes
I promise that you will be better

You've received a huge blow
A shot of life in the womb
A gust of wind in your life
However remain calm, I beg

REF: Just at the wrong time
Angels dust you fell within
You will be a super mommy
But not now, not now

A small spiral you took for it's house
It's not a girl, it's not a boy
it's not a aries nor a pieces
Forget that its not possible
You will lose balance
Take my hand I'll take you far away
One of being back tomorrow

Just at the wrong time
angel dust you fell into
You'll be a super mommy
But not now, not now

We're going to bring back
The angel in his shoes
He made mistakes but not serious
he may come back if you stay wise

Just at the wrong time
angel dust you fell in to
You'll be a super mommy
But not now, not now

_________________________________
This is a song that I would want to show my little sister but wont because I dont want to make her cry.

random poem thrown together

thats my song choice

Pain will fade someday but not today

these days there is pain
pain that is hard to erase
it's in the heart
it haunts the mind
it makes the tears fall
makes you blind to the sun
the absence of breath
the halt of time
run away,run away from your mind
think not, be not
exist no more
a heart too sore
eyes too dry
it's in the past
it was left behind
still it gnaws
reaches out with sharpened claws
it's breaking you down
your demons, the demons drag you down
it becomes so hard
to fake a smile
so hard to walk a step
when it feels like you've been running for miles
the voices
the choices
the wrong and the right
keep you up in the middle of the night
you cry and hide away
the pain wont fade
but all in time
you will find your way
out of the darkness
and into the sun
you will become whole
no longer broken
you will not come undone

relationship and revenge

I don't understand why people have to involve friends in their relationships.

What I mean by that is when things are going bad between lovers they always have to go and let not only all their friends know but they always have to try and make each other look bad. It doesn't even matter who is right or wrong so long as they make the other look bad.

I will stand by my friends regardless but when it is two friends of a person you are putting them in a hard spot regardless of what a bitch or asshole the person has been.
Alot of people live by the rule of until they do wrong to me I have no reason to not be their friend.
I do not think it is fair to ask people to pick between the couple as some have been friends along time others may decide on their own they do not like how the person behaves and decide to let the person go.
I also do not agree with trying to make the opposites repution rotten people are able to ruin their reps on their own. Many people do not like to hear people talking badly of others, leave the gossip and story telling at the door. I am one of these types I do not like being told bad things about people or listening to others talking badly about others . I deal with it patiently most times but I hate it.

I am the kind of person who sticks around people even when I do not agree with the way they deal with things. I stik around even when they are not 100% there for me let alone 10% there for me. I am this way regardless of pain that might come my way.

I do not believe in giving rise to hate through adding fuel to fires. Revenge solves nothing and more often than not accomplishes little in personal satisfaction.
The vicious cycle of hate is one hard to break , Anger and violence are hard to escape when you let them overwhelm and control you.

I cannot remember a time in my life when there has not be some kind of violence going on around me. even as I write this there are people behind me yelling and screaming fighting and distracting me from my thoughts.
I can say I have learnt first hand the negitive effects of revenge and hate, of holding anger in as well as pain.

Nothing is worth the negitive feelings you feel both with and of yourself and of others, the feelings of hate and anger are better off in the hands of a higher being let that higher being handle it.

There is no need to get wound up and lost in darkness in the void of hatred and anger, the sun shines even in a blizzard if you know where to look.
every cloud has a silver lining from the sun hiding behind it so do not let the obstiles like the clouds block your view of the sun, instead look just around the bend and see the glimmer of the sun waiting to be seen.



sun will shine no matter what so always hold your head up ...... This guys a good youtube artist

death has departed us

I once met this guy named Ira, Ira came from the Philliphines.
I met him on a site called Cyworld when I randomly joined and spoke on his thread.
Ira soon befriended me and we spoke almost every day I subscribed to his Youtube channel and I added him on Facebook and other sites like YM.
Ira was a beautiful man who had a beautiful voice a voice I loved to hear sing.
Ira was like a bestfriend not just to me but to almost everyone he met because he was Such a good friend.
Ira had told me he wanted to sing at my wedding the day I finally decided to get married, he begged me to be my wedding singer.
I have held on to that dream because it was a beautiful dream.
Ira got to hear the man I love sing in Confrence once and had admired the man I love alot, he told me he had a good feeling about us two and that he should practice and polish his singing for my future wedding. Ira liked teasing me about the man I love and I used to tease and taunt him about what would happen to him once we got to finally meet.
Ira had admitted to me that he had cancer it shocked me and scared me, I didn't want to lose a good friend. Ira was still in his early 20s so I had hope he would live a long life yet and hopefully maybe even beat the cancer as everyday they learn new things.
Ira would be in and out of hospital weak and ill and it hurt to think of him in such situations at such a young age, thugh it would hurt no matter what age he was.
Ira went away into hospital in May and had said he would be there awhile this did not sit well with me.
In July I started having these bad feelings about Ira and his health Marc our mutual friend and I were both worrying so much about him, we now know why we felt that way as Ira died July 27th.
We were not aware we had lost such a dear friend then but the pain is so overwhelming now I find it almost hard to breath from time to time.
This video is a video of Ira ever kind and ever beautiful Ira always loved always missed ALWAYS REMEMBERED R.I.P <3

School

I have made alot of friends in class and at least one admirer I wish I didn't have.
I have been having alot of fun but I also was stuck working with some girls who do not know what team work means.
I need to sleep so I will not rant right now

this is what I was watching while writing this

today

The school is a good band I love their music



School was interesting.

I wasn't there very long but I made some friends already.

I am nervous over the hotel stimulation aspect of the course and the fact 85% and up is a pass, also if I fail an exam I cannot go for an internship.

I am so nervous but so excited I am doing this, I am going to school and I am happy to be there.
When I got home today I felt so incredibly happy.

I just got in touch with Seung Hyun WooSungs mom WooSung is a little boy from the last daycare I was doing my internship at, I miss them both very much.

I have arranged to meet with them sometime next week after school, I will be happy to see them again.

changes

I love this Ozzy song

times are changing but staying the same.

I have taken a chance to get ahead in life to work towards going to Malaysia.
People tell me Iam foolish and stupid putting my trust in a man I have never met.
"Why go to a place where you know no one a place where you have no one just because you believe you are in love with someone you met online" it is because I love him I want to be there and be with him to live a life away from my laptop or pc screen or long distance calls(not that they bother me).
I am starting school in hotel reception tomorrow morning, I figured it was a good thing to get a diploma in if I was going to go to a different country working in a hotel seems like a good idea.

I do not know what to expect taking the course , I do not know even what I am hoping for other then accomplishing my goal of getting that diploma in 6 months.
hoping to have something to use when I leave my country for his.
I wanted to leave here no matter what it doesn't even matter where I go or whom for/with.

I just gave up my food for my month and every thing else so I can attend the school I will be getting by mainly on water for the month of september and maybe bread.
it will be a tight and tough month but I know I will pull through I will eat whatever I can get from my parents of coarse.

everything done is for a better tomorrow someday even if it takes a yeqr of misery I am sure one day those beak days will be majority sunshine filled days.

one of those days?

is today one of those days?
Maybe it is one of them earlier today I would have denied it saying today has been a great day.
When did my attitude change along with my mood?
I don't feel happy I feel miserable all of a sudden and yet I don't, I feel like I just want to cry.

Maybe I am being sensitive I don't know but a spot in my heart hurts and my eyes want to let out the built up mist in them.

I'm tired now I woke late and I napped taking my day as easy as possible enjoying my freedom.
I want to sleep and not wake til half my day has been wasted, but then I feel like a am a lazy no gooder.
I have learnt so much about myself and yet I have so much more to learn , life is a gamble so I have to roll my dice.
I have a cold I am not dying or feeling uncomfortable by it, I just sound sick and different. I have been treating the cold with healthy foods ,water,tea soup and naps.

I dont have much to say just needed to write a little to let the words slide out onto paper of some sort.

I may have made people worry since I left in a manner very much not like me, my stomach hurts now I feel kinda guilty.

This song meant alot to me when I first heard it in the 10th grade or so back when I was a fan of "suicide" techno music.

ex and current

I think there should be some kinda rule about ex's and currents being friends unless they were friends before hand.

I do not think it is wise for a current gf to befriend an ex gf as a matter of fact its fucking crazy.
It is one thing if the two are already friends and know each other well however, if you have never met do not go and befriend his ex you are asking for trouble.
What can a person hope to gain from befriending their bfs ex gf? nothing just a heartful of doubt and insecurity.
People change on rare occassions a scum of the earth guy can change his ways for someone it's a rare occurance but it can happen, the only thing his gf would gain from talking to an ex is a whole lots of doubt on his sincerity.

My exs gf decided to befriend me on facebook, we all had a feeling it was her.
My bestfriend Angie once asked me " why are you telling her everything and answering all her questions" that was an easy question to answer.
I am not one who lies I am not saying I have never lied but it is my belief that things are best said openly and honestly, besides as I told Angie if she wants to go digging her own grave let her she wants the truth I will give it to her let her deal with the facts.
The gf was curious as to why I told her everything so honestly and I told her " look I will tell you what I told my bestfriend Angie if you want to drive yourself crazy with doubt over the things that happened in my relationship with your bf go right ahead its not my problem you wanted the truth I gave it to you and you have to admit after I told you everything you started to doubt more and more" and she admitted to me that she had in fact started to doubt him more after I had told her about our past together.

She puzzles over my relationship with him in hopes of finding answers for her relationship with him. There are no answers to be found in a past relationship that was doomed to fail from the start, the only answer in it would be for her to become an ex as well.

I am an honest person I tell things as they are and as I see them , I believe every friendship should start openly and so I am an open book this is my way of trying to avoid misunderstandings by showing my true colours from start to end.

I have been single for along time now over 2 in a half year.
I have been in love with my bestfriend since around this time in 2008 I was already interested and half in love with my bestfriend while I was still seeing my ex even if he had not decided to date his current gf we would have gone our seperate ways because I would have dumped him for my bestfriend even if I could not yet hold him.

Regardless of my love for another better man, my exs gf doubts so much that she doubts my love and devotion to my bestfriend whom I want to move away from Canada to be with.
Asking me if I am with her boyfriend even though she knows her bf hates me and wants to throw me infront of a bus as he has not only told me but has said in front of her several times before.

I find it annoying to have to put up with that she says to me to try and undestand that she is going through alot, who better to know what you are going through then someone who has been there before you?
I can understand if I had just broken up with him a few months passed but 2 in a half years stop asking me and look for a different girl to accuse.

I do Not Want Need or Desire her bf I know what I am missing and it aint much, takes more then good sex to keep this girl satisfied. And seeing as how he is the only guy I had sex with that I truly wanted and meant to sleep with I cannot confirm he really is good in the sac, never mind the fact I found out he had a gf before me who dumped him because she claimed he was bad in bed.

I'll end this blog here for now leaving you with a song I relate to soo well if only it was about a guy and not a girl

unfaithful

so much has happened recently my mind is spinning over everything.

I have had married men trying to sleep with me and hitting on me the passed week.

I hate men who are unloyal and unfaithful.

Almost all my ex boyfriends have cheated on me and betrayed me.

On facebook a girl added me and I have always suspected that there was a relation between her and my exs Girlfriend , I never confronted her about it and answered every question she asked me.
She had decided to meet me but that had never happened, I thought I was nuts to go meet my exs girlfriend.
I was able to do such things as talk to her and meet her and such because I have been completely over my ex for a long time now.

Today I got a call from the girl and she sounded like a broken women, she confessed to me that she had the feeling I was the best person to talk to and confessed her identity.
She apologized for hiding her identity from me and then she asked if she could meet me, I accept to meet her right away.
Karina's voice it clutched deep inside my heart and crushed down on it, I knew her pain I lived through it before.
We spoke on the phone about an hour and my heart was breaking for her, I lived through the same heart break by the same man in the same way as she now is.

We met up and spoke for about 4 in a half hours, the whole time she was shaking and fighting back tears.

We shared our stories of our times together with him the bad things he did to us, She told me his parents talk bad about me and so I deleted them from my facebook.

The man she told me about was a stranger a man I never met had been born, he became a monster abusive and controlling.
I am happy to have never met that man but wish she had never met him either, she doesn't deserve the pain he has put her through.
She thought I hated her and thought I would be upset with her, I am not a hateful person.
I want to be her friend and help her through her hard time, I wonder if that means something is wrong with me.
I know her pain so well I feel like I am reliving my most painful heart break times all over.
The thing that is most amazing is that he is engaged to her, wants to have children with her and yet cheats on her and she is dying. He is betraying a dying woman who is going for heart surgery next month.
Men like that do not know what love is, I pray he gets what he has given 10 fold the pain we have felt thanks to his actions.

I will end this blog here with a video every women who has been cheated on will feel and understand.

writing

I have been writing fan fictions for my old dear friend Evelyn and completely neglected my Blog, SHAME ON ME!

I guess I haven't felt the need to share random thoughts, knowledge or emotions with the world.

In the time since I last posted I have done various things let me tell you about the things I have done.

I have spoken my mind on a matter that was very sensitive to certain friends, however it was time to state my standing in the matter before I managed to allow myself to be further burried in the pain of the situation . I had known there would be pain however I had never meant to play a big part/ role in all that transpired so I took myself out of the equation.

I had a scabby scare I had kept that secret from most people but yes indeed my niece Ryanna somehow got scabbies and everyone who had been in close contact with her was likely to have caught it. I am so happy I was lucky enough to not catch it from her.

I wrote a full erotic story for my friend in less then 24 hours Evelyn was proud and enjoyed reading it haha.

I taught a friend tips on how to talk more naughty to her boyfriend in messenger.

I had explained to someone what a hard on is....that was awkward!

I drank 3 bottles of fruit wine while drinking with some of my female relatives, I also gave them all shit for bad mouthing my mother who wasn't there to tell her side of the story or what not. I mouthed off my sister for giving us shit about respect but then disrespecting our mother by talking badly behind her back, she may not be the best but she is our mother and she does deserve our respect.

I ordered a smart phone off the internet for 60 some odd dollars I should have it by the 21st.

I have been going to bed at horrible times sleeping long hours but still being tired.

Everynight for half a week I have been going to dunkin donut at no earlier then midnight though 2 o clock is the time thats most common.

I bought a spinnich pizza the frozen kind and ate the whole thing to myself minus a very small piece.

I got hit on by a 7th grader and had a grampa offer me a ride

my stepdad gave me 40$ for nothing!!!! holy mother of god the world must be coming to an end!!!!!

I stayed up all night until 8:30 in the morning reading Cutie Boy a manga I was only vaguely interested in.

I made a backup copy of everything on my computer deleted the stuff then got my back up disc stolen

yeah thats about it lol or the rest is very personal and I do not want to share it lol..... hmm the video for today will be...... the best dance scene from the movie I am watching right now xD

thoughts

Thoughts spin round my mind
Words I wish to say
to so many people
I never hold back
and yet I do

I don't want to hurt you
I don't want to hurt myself
I have spent my life hurting
I just want something else

I am known as the girl
the girl who speaks her mind
but I cannot speak my mind this time
I don't want to make you cry

I gotta be myself
but I can't be cruel to be kind
I have to search inside myself
I need to search my mind

my heart has things to say
but my mouth wont work right
not matter how I try to say them
they will never come out right

I am always in the middle
a place I don't mind to be
except for when I am hurting
and guilty by association
it's so fucking complicated

if I could get all my thoughts
every frustration out
would I still feel like a bomb
whose time was running out

I keep everything inside myself
even when I shouldn't
I do the things that keep me sane
even when I shouldn't
I shouldn't scream and shout
and yet I really should
if I let it all out
I am sure it would do me good
I wish I was that type
instead here I am trying to write
trying to vent
but my emotions have been spent
too long pent up inside
when did the person I was die

dedications to him

hmmm these are things I wrote to or when thinking of the most special guy in my life.





Confession

take this confession in your hands
and do with it what you will
bend it, break it, cherish it
if you so desire

take these words
these words of emotion
of restraint disbelief and passion

store them away
for further reference
throw them away
for they are naught but a disturbance
poke and prod them for deeper meaning
shove them away in haste
stomp over them in impatience
acknowledge my words
accept their sentiments
or burn and bury them away

this is my confession
my desire to be known
these are my feelings
my heart has made you a home
and these words seek residence
inside the walls you built
around your heart and soul
I beg for the chance
to warm you when you are cold
hold you when you are lonely
to make you my one and only
I pray for the same
but I know
I'm strong enough to walk away
if you wish to throw me away

this is my confession
I await what you have to say

Our song

if I could walk next to you
talk with you on the phone
if I could hold you close
and call you my own

how happy would I be
how free would I feel
how happy would I be
if I had you loving me

if I could be your everything
would I still feel this pain
would I be saved
if I could love you
the way I want to

oh can you catch me when I fall
can I be your all
oh will you hold me close
oh and never let me go

how happy can I be
how free can I feel
how happy would I be
if your love for me was real

I'll catch you when you fall
you know Ill give my all
Oh how happy can we be
If I loved you
and you loved me

you make me feel happy

you know you're something special
I just want you to know
the way you warm my heart
and lift my soul
whenever your around
im as happy as can be
baby since i met you
I feel so free

you think Im something special
a one of a kind
baby I think your amazing
and you're always on my mind

every where I go
I take you with me
i just have to think about you
and I'm happy

your words are like hugs
they wrap around me
and when I hear you laughing
my heart skips a beat

I never thought this would happen
I really couldnt see
just what kind of effect
you would have on me

To my love

my biggest desire
I had never even known
but when I met you
I knew I would never be alone

you gave me love
when times were rough
you gave me kindness
when I was about to break
you were so honest
you healed my mistrust
you gave me self worth
when I felt I wasn't good enough

you are my angel
who helped me through the dark
you are the man
who healed my brokenheart
you are the one
who loved me as I am
the only one who never judged me
scolding me for the bad I've done
you make me happy to be me
with you I feel I will always be accepted
I know I will always be respected
I love you with all I am
and thats something I never expected


Hearts

what good is a heart
I once asked this
and now I know
without this heart
where would my love for you go

why did I only think of him
who was I trying to kid
my number one is me
that's the way it's suppose to be

have I always felt this much
was my heart too cold to touch
when I was in so much pain
I refused to love again
so why do I love you so much

how did you warm this heart
what words did you use
to ease a heart so abused
to mend my broken heart with ease
my love for you brings me to my knees
I am thankful I have you in my life
my love for you has brought me such delight
with you in my life I know I'll be alright

my heart brought you to me
your heart set me free


Is this destiny

am I here because of you
do you wonder about this too
are you here for me
is this destiny

do we belong together
can we have a happily ever after
can we spend our days together
holding on to each other

I see you in my dreams
you are always on my mind
I just want to freeze time
I want to make you mine

life has never felt so right
the way it does when I'm with you
I know I can make it through the hard times
because I can turn to you
I hope you know I will always be here for you too

I should add more but thats all for now folks don't wanna swell his head with how loved he is lol

poems

I used to love this group and I loved this song still do



I am going to post some of my poem at random they are poems of Pain and some include Suicide you can read if you like or you can wait til I post anew.ALL MY poetry is COPYWRITTEN

my nightmare

dreams of the past come rushing in
the more I fight them
the harder I fall to the ground

I try to run from the demons
the demons that are no longer around
but still posess my mind

I cry myself blind
I thought I had all my answers
I thought my fears
were laid to rest

I check my chest
afraid Ill find a kinfe
peircing my breast
as my blood runs cold

I remember everything
so vividly
it happened so suddenly
did it happen years go
or did it all happen today
this pain is too much to handle alone

the images passed in a blur
the knives sliding across skin
the pools of blood
glass everywhere
cops rushing through the door
swinging fists
bruised flesh
rough hands
deep voices
muffled screams
tear streaked faces
my face, hands, memories and pain
everything mingled together
driving me insane



some thoughts

If I could be struck down by lightning
I would beg for it
Is that frightening?
I want to be defiled and deformed
crush me make me wish I was never born
but you do that already dont you
every word that comes out your mouth
slices me to the soul
but thats something you know very well
you locked me in this jail
release me from home sweet hell
unchain my heart from yours
let me close the doors to my cage
and walk off this stage
write me off this page of life
as I slit my wrist with a knife

us

they say true love never dies
but our love is dead
i loved you with all I had
but it wasnt enough

how can love conquer all
if we are with different people now
at the time the love was real
the promise meant to be kept
tears never meant to be shed
the love faded the promises were broken
hearts bled
and tears fell like waterfalls

we had something good
and we took it for granted
we walked out the door
and our pain slammed it
locking the past behind us
because we arent strong enough to face it
united we stood
together we fell
sometimes love can do more damage then well
for all the well intentions
we can sometimes tear a heart apart
more than we ever hoped to glue it together

I have learnt so much
from the pleasure and the pain
and although Im hurt and scared
I think Im ready to love again

Bye

mistakes were made between us
and we hold them to our hearts
using them as sheilds to repell each other
hiding behind the pain
we lost something precious
we were once so grateful to have gained

we hurt those we love the most
their hearts unguarded from our assult
tears flow easily
hearts break frequantly

past and present collide
our feelings are so supressed and hidden
we dont even know what love is anymore
its been so deformed
its just a illusion
and I am disillusional

we took each other for granted
and lost all we had
after all the pain we went through
theres just no going back

time to move on
to start over with someone new
bye bye to us
goodbye to you

Thoughts

I became someone
I thought I could love
because I had you by my side
but the more I was with you
the more lost I became inside

before I was with you
I knew who I was
I was depressed
and I hated myself
I was chock full of self loathing
and cut my arms
but even while depressed
I was confident

that confidence slipped away
as we expirenced several ups and downs
I lost faith in myself
and doubted your love
I second guessed my value
I berated my worth
based on a mans love or lack of

I never felt I was good enough
your new girlfriend
is everything I am not
she is who I couldn't be
But who are you trying to kid
she could never love you like I did

she tries to control you
to chain you to her side
she tells you who you can talk to
and those you can't
I never did that
I never made you chose
between me and your friends

I may not have had a job
let alone two
and I've never been a super model
but I was better to you
I loved you more
but she's did what I was never able to do

magical words

those magical words hurt
they cut me in two
they make me cry
and free me
your magical words
allow me to move on

I am a survivor
even though I dont feel strong
your magical words
always helped me carry on

my memories hurt
because that happy past
that painful past
wont be repeated in the future
your magical words wont charm me
they wont make things better

your magical words
i like you
i love you
please dont cry
i need you
i'm sorry
I've found someone new
I've moved on
maybe someday I'll come back to you

wished and prayed

how many times did I wish
and how many times did I pray
while crying I would beg
Please let everything be ok

all I wanted was a miracle
I just wanted your love
I craved a piece of heaven
delivered by your touch

a lasting memory
of joy and pain
of success and failure
of loss and gain

I wanted friendship
love and companionship
and I still do
but I've come to realize
I cant have those with you

how many times since we parted ways
have we spoke on the phone
not once
we text and have met
we have even slept together
when have you acted like my friend?
the answer is never

did you see me as a friend
or just a body you were able to use
someone you could turn to
when your life was too empty and lonely
did you think of me
and how you were making me feel
or was it that my feelings
weren't part of the deal

I prayed and I wished
for everything to be ok
and in my heart
I still carry that with me
every single day
its been a good 7 to 8 months now
since we broke up
and you still make me cry
even though this friendships not working
I dont want to say good-bye
but I cant seem to get over you
no matter how hard I try

I've wished and prayed
and I still do the same
only now I wish and pray
this pain would go away


Our love belongs in the past

can you see it
when you see my smile
can you feel it
whenever we talk

do you know what im hiding
do you know how hard I'm trying
to let these feeling go
oh tell me do you know

its hard to breath with out you
standing here on my own
its hard to smile
when you dont care like before
I dont know how to be your friend
when I love you so much I can die
tell me do you see
how hard I fight not to cry

dont you think your selfish
to treat me this way
I gave you everything
you just threw it all away
you dont want to love me
but you want all my love
you dont know how to be a friend
but you want me there til the end

this is the end my heart cant break anymore
Im walking away now
Im locking my hearts door
so take all your sweet kisses and words from the past
our love is over
we belong in the past
its time to move on and listen to a new lovers songs
because the way you treat me is just too wrong

that is enough for now as most of the people who read this hate me writing long posts lol