random

I think I have come to terms with all thats going on
and although it hurts inside
I am ready to carry on
life is not a fairytale
I know that this is true
but that doesn't mean that happily ever afters
in some sense don't come true
life is not a walk in the park
you have bad and good times alike
so why not hold our heads up high
and hope everything will turn out right

I am listening to whitney huston so I will just put that video

House of cards

my house of cards fell in
one thing after another stress over stress pain over pain things continued to build
the house of cards fell atop me
I felt the world crashing to my feet from my shoulders

why is it such a have the times been hard? I wish I knew
I have been feeling lonely more so that one of the people I count on is no longer around but maybe this is a good thing although it is both painful and lonely
I need to worry only of myself and stop worrying about others
that doesn't help me much but hey I'll do what I need to do
I can get through anything who cares who is there are not
I have spent a majority of my time alone or feeling lonely so why should it matter now?
I will throw my worries my feels my heart itself if I have to out to the wind and let them go with out a worry without a care.
What is the point of having friends if at the end of the day I still feel lonely?
why hate life when I have a roof over my head and some sort of food in my stomach and some kind of health there are people who have less in life and love it more than I do.
I am thankful for all god has given me and taken from me I am sure it was to teach me something I do not know what but I am sure his intention was not for me to feel unconfident and like someone worthless of any and everything.

time for me to have another metamorphasis perhaps
I do not trust easily nor do I give my heart as easily but sometimes I give it all freely and then later I get hurt and regret doing so but no more regretting opening my heart and giving in to others instead I am going to be thankful for having them in my life and move on to the next life lesson I am meant to learn.

I have been doing good in school regardless of all my stress and all my conflicting thoughts and feelings. I have almost always been good in school regardless of how bad everything else in my life has been so it's no surprise I am still able to do well though I regret dropping out of college but that was because it was for the good of the children since I really was unstable.

it's 9:08 pm now and I am going to go to bed since I am ill at the moment

this is the song I am listening to right now

I will babble

so many thoughts, so many feelings.....

I will just be random here is part of a song I was humming I threw the words together on my own .....

life is not a fairytale and dreams don't all come true but when I close my eyes at night I find myself with you, so even when you're far away you're always here with me though I cannot hold you close to me I'm with you everytime I sleep.
just a moment of hearing your voice drowns out the worlds noise and raises me so high
just like a whisper you fade into the night when morning comes you're no where in sight

life is not a fairy tale dreams don't all come true but when I close my eyes I'm standing beside you life isn't easy I know it isn't fair all I want is to know that you care.

dreams are for sleeping life is to live something somewhere has really got to give
I know I should let go and live in reality but love isn't easy and it stole my heart from me.

life is not a fairytale and dreams don't all come true but when I close my eyes at night I find myself with you, so even when you're far away you're still here with me.

I have two songs on my mind but only parts of them I wonder how they would sound mixed together I have the one song stuck in my head it was the song I was thinking of when I made up the one above. That song was the one from High School Musical



the frst time I heard this song I cried
the words strike my heart I have been there so many times

It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song

Now I know you're not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you

have a safe trip

so many things are going through my head
I have alot weighing heavy on my heart
but there are things in my life that make me smile
knowing I have that one person who is always there for me
and although when she leaves on her trip I will miss her greatly
I am happy to know she will be doing something that enlightens her and lifts her soul
she is a very precious person to me and I hope she has a wonderful trip
when she comes back hopefully I will have sent her a package filled with treasures
things I will not slip up and reveal as she hoped I would :p
she has bee the only thing to stop me from spending my nights sulking around lonely

this guy is awesome I am a big fan lol this songs soooo catchy lol

miss you

I miss you enough to cry just thinking of you makes my heart clench although I smile at the thought of you my heart hurts missing you why do we all live so far apart normally I wish I was somewhere else now I wish we were all somewhere else being with just one person I love and miss it may be enough but being with all the ones I love and miss would be best I am lonely and hurting I feel like I am lost in a sea of people whom I don't know a sea of faces that don't know mine I feel like I've a festering tumor in my mind waiting to rob me of my thoughts & consciouness like I will blank out and fade away into nothingness I feel as though I am a ticking walking time bomb unsure of when I may explode and who may become one of my casulties

I can't add a video it wont work once I get home I will add one

I miss you

I miss you everything you are everything you made me I miss me the me with you the me on my own I miss us all of us together the shared laughter the sweetness of being together friends and lovers united


I love this song it is one of my faves as well as being by a fave singer.

lil sis

I am sitting here crying knowing my little sister is crying
her heart is breaking and all she wants is her mother
and all her mother wants?
to be in a hotel room where she is getting intoxicated and having sex
meanwhile her daughter wants to kill herself
I hate the bastard who seems to never know when how to treat my baby sister like the precious jewel she is.
I am trying to stay calm but I feel like I am breaking in a thousand pieces I really do not know what to do.
my heart's racing my tears as my tears race down my face at an amazing speed I cannot hold this flood of pain and fear back.
I have tried to get her to come to me or let me come to her but I have been rejected I do not know where she lives so I cannot go to her regardless of where she is.
She wants her mother and without her she just might commit suicide and here I will be sitting trying to stop my shaking and tears wondering how to help my sister when all she wants is her mother who isn't there for her.
I feel useless and pathetic I can't help her and she doesn't want my help I am not a good enough sister to her that she needs me.

I pray she will find the right road to walk on and find hapiness like no other

thankful

Thanksgiving was last week,
I took the time to sit and really think
what am I thankful for?
every night I pray thanking god for the chance to be alive
I thank god for all I have been given
thank him for all I have lost
thank him for the air I breath,
the water I drink and bathe myself with
thank him for the warmth and coldness I have in my life
thankful for being alive no matter what storms I find myself in
thankful for the people,
those who love those who hurt those who leave me
and those I love, hurt and leave as well
I am thankful for having friends as well as enemies
for those who hate me have a reason inside to hate me
be it that I have what they want or that our persionalities are too different
I am thankful I have a life to call my own
even if I am sometimes unhappy this life is mine and I cherish all that is in it.

song I am listening to atm....

Little sister

blood does not tie us to one another
but my heart shouts you're my sister
water may be thinner than blood
but you run thickly through my heart
your pain weighs heavy on my heart, spirit and mind
you are my little sister
no matter if our blood or names are not shared
I love you little sister
even when we are awkward with each other
and our worlds just aren't right
when you feel the end is near
don't give up the fight
I am your big sister and I am here to make things right
I cannot save your world
but I can cry with you tonight
I cannot slay all your demons
but I can stand by your side and help you fight your fight

This video is to my lil sister...... Translation underneath



Petite Soeur,

Little Sister,

Je connais ta peine et ta douleur,

I know your sadness and your pain

Les places qu'elles prennent dans ton Coeur,

Places they occupy in your heart,

J'étais la même Petite Soeur,

I was the same Little Sister,

Petite Soeur...

Little Sister ...


Je te vois regarder par la fenêtre,

I see you look out the window,

Comme si c'était Moi, comme si j'étais dans ta tête,

As if it was me, like I was in your head

Crois-moi, Petite Soeur, le silence et le froid,

Believe me, Little Sister, the silence and the cold,

Je connais par Coeur, j'y suis passé avant Toi !

I know by heart, I've passed before You!

Je te vois attendre, attendre que tourne ta chance,

I see you waiting, waiting for your luck to change,

Là je tends dans l'indifférence, hey,

Here I tend to indifference, hey,

Tu refais la liste de ce qu'il ne va pas,

You redo the list of what is going wrong,

Tout n'est pas si triste, tu te dis c'est déjà ça !

Not everything is so sad, you tell yourself it already is!


Petite Soeur,

Little Sister,

Je connais ta peine et ta douleur,

I know your sadness and your pain,

Parce que j'avais la même dans mon Coeur,

Because I had the same in my Heart

C'est Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur, Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur...

It's You and Me, Little Sister, You and Me, Little Sister ...


Petite Soeur,

Little Sister,

Je sais comme ça brûle, à l'intérieur,

I know how it burns inside,

J'ai eu le temps d'apprendre de mes erreurs,

I had time to learn from my mistakes

C'est Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur, Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur...

It's You and Me, Little Sister, You and Me, Little Sister ...


Petite, essuie

Small, wipe

Les larmes sur ta joue, la vie est ainsi,

The tears on your cheek, life is so,

Parfois on prends des coups,

Sometimes we take shots,

Mais on se relève, plus forte et plus fière,

But we get up, stronger and prouder,

On s'accroche à ses rêves et on passe les frontières...

we cling to our dreams and it cross the boundries ...

Petite Soeur,

Little Sister,


Je connais ta peine et ta douleur,

I know your sadness and your pain,

Parce que j'avais la même dans mon Coeur,

Because I had the same in my Heart

C'est Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur, Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur...

It's You and Me, Little Sister, You and Me, Little Sister ...


Essuie tes larmes !

Wipe your tears!

Pleurer ! Ca sert à quoi ?

Crying ! What's the point?

La vie est ainsi ! Un jour, ça passera,

Life is so! One day it will pass,

Passent les peines d'Amour, celles qui font douter de Soi,

Pass sentences of Love, those that make you doubtful of yourself,

Les mots, les discours...

Words, speeches ...

Tout ça s'effacera !

All this will disappear!




Petite Soeur,

Little Sister

Je connais ta peine et ta douleur,

I know your sadness and your pain,

Parce que j'avais la même dans mon Coeur,

Because I had the same in my Heart

C'est Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur, Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur...

It's You and Me, Little Sister, You and Me, Little Sister ...

Petite Soeur,

Little Sister


Je sais comme ça brûle, à l'intérieur,

I know how it burns inside,

J'ai eu le temps d'apprendre de mes erreurs,

I had time to learn from my mistakes,

C'est Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur, Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur...

It's You and Me, Little Sister, You and Me, Little Sister ...

Petite Soeur,

Little Sister,


Je sais comme ça brûle, à l'intérieur,

I know how it burns inside,

J'ai eu le temps d'apprendre de mes erreurs,

I had time to learn from my mistakes,

C'est Toi et Moi, Petite Soeur,

It's You and Me, Little Sister,

Petite Soeur...

Little Sister ...

you don't know my heart

I was talking to an important friend yesterday.

When talking about my heart I compared it to a marshmellow soft and mush yet hardens when left out and melts when heated.

My heart heals and it looks as though there are no scar just like a marshmellow my heart sticks back together messily.

there are people in this world in my life who know my heart very well , and yet they know so little about it as well. They know my feels I share they know their places in my heart but they know not of the pain in it or the fear in it.

I never truly show my true self after all the pain I've been through I learned to just hide things inside for most part.

I rarely show the bad sides to my heart or mind to the people in my life.
My friends only know the me I let them see, when I try to show them who I am inside I feel like I am being told I am someone I am not. I show who I really am how I really am and have people telling me thats not who I am , do I not know myself?

I am an emotional wreck often having spent so many years fighting depression,abuse at home, abuse at school , self abuse, and abuse by friends and partners.
Throughout the years those things have not helped me to be happy but I have found some happiness amoung friends, my online friends do not know many of the situations I have had to face and in some ways I wish I knew them during that time when I needed people like them the most.

I wish that I could open my heart to everyone so they can seem the many scars still half scabbed and bleeding on my heart but I have too much barriers and pride I guess for me to show them the little girl and the real me hiding inside the me I show them.

I wish I could show them my many sides and not just the sides I believe are my better ones along with a few weaknesses in the mix.

The song I am listening to at the moment is Cry by Rihanna I once related to this song I still remember feeling the same way as the song.

Fuck off, fuck it and fuck you

I'd like to say fuck you but to whom am I saying it to?

I'd like to cry but what would that change?

I don't really care what they think and yet a voice inside and a stabbing pain wordlessly says " fuck you, you're such a fucking liar"

how well do they know me? some would say alot and I would want to say fuck you , you haven't a clue who I am.

I became so good at holding things in and hiding myself that everything has started to spill over like leaving room for an ice cube and still having the liquid spill over the glass.

I am depressed and angry I hate life atm even when I accomplish something I didn't think I would I can't feel the happiness I should.

I feel like dissapearing just melting away into nothing

they can say they understand all they want but it doesn't change the fact they are not walking in my shoes, their hearts are not in the condition mine is in I feel my mind is tearing itself apart trying to answer questions for me it has no answer for.

I can't find happiness right now because all I can find are tears on my face and anger swelled in my chest.

I know the real me is not being seen and that is annoying me
my words are falling on deaf ears the meaning of my words lost on those who appreciate nothing my heart feels for them.

I am having a hard time going on playing these everything is ok games because things are not fine but I can't even start to express all the reasons why I'd rather fade into the background then be who they think I am.

time for me to go home I wont be on here for some time other then maybe when I am in school god knows I need to blow off steam when I am there.

song for the post this song has alot of meaning to me



Lyrics and translation

Sir Pathétik Aquarium

On a pas le droit de toucher un enfant

(we do not have the right to touch a child)

d'briser l'enfance de quelqu'un

(to break the childhood of someone)

garder l'silence vivre avec ça

(keep silence live with that)

se sentir la chose de quelqu'un

(to feel like an object of someone)

aie jamais peur de dénoncer
(never be afraid to give up)

l'adulte qui a briseé ta vie
(the adult who broke your life)

malgré le mal qui t'habite

(despite the pain you live)

essais d'apprétier la vie

(try to appriciate life)

aprés la tempête viennent des jours
(after the storm come the days)

remplis de bonheurs

(filled with happiness)

c'pas de ta faute pis malgré tout

(it's not your fault and despite all)

cèsse d'avoir peur

(stop being scared)

fais confiance que deamin

(have confidence that tomorrow)

c'est meilleur qu'aujoud'hui

(is better than today)

fonce dans vie, laisse personne

(strive in life, let no one)

prendre le controle de ta vie

(take control of your life)

(refrain)
sans permission tu l'as brisé pis t'as gâché sa vie

(without permission you broke her and ruined her life)

t'as faite quequchose qui se faisait pas

(you did something that's not done)

quand elle te coyait son ami (

(when she believed you were her friend)

en dedans d'elle, elle fait plus confiance à personne

(inside she has no confidence in anyone)

depuis ce jour là elle se referme dans son aquarium

Since that day she locks herself inside her aquarium

the ones who survive they know
the ones who get by they know
the ones who defy they know
that thing will never be the same again

c'est le passé ,c'est parfait

(it's the past, it's perfect)

dis-toi que demain c't'un autre jour

(tell yourself tomorrow is another day)

aie confiance en l'avenir

(have faith in the future)

aux beau jours pis l'amour

(in good days and love)

tsé la vie c'est spécial

(you know life is special)

ca s'passe pas toujours comme on veut

(things don't always happen as we want)

y faut le courage pour changer

(it takes courage to change)

pis se metre

(and to put)

d'l'espoir dans les yeux

(hope in our eyes)

sois plus bright

(be more bright)

fais-toi ton coin de paradis

(make your corner in paradise)

c't'un veux rien, y mérite pas de gâcher ta vie

(he was a nobody he doesn't deserve to ruin your life)

sois fier de toi, pis garde la téte haute

(be proud of yourself and hold your head high)

efface c't'époque là de ta tête

(erase that time from your mind)

pis passe à autre chose

(and think of other things)

sans permission tu l'as brisé pis t'as gâché sa vie

(without permission you broke her and ruined her life)

t'as faite quequchose qui se faisait pas

(you did something that doesn't get done

quand elle te coyait son ami

(when she believed you were her friend)

en dedans d'elle, elle ne fait plus confiance à personne

(and inside her, she no longer trusts anyone)

depuis

(since)

ce jour là elle se referme dans son aquarium

that day she closes herself in her aquarium

the ones who survive they know
the ones who get by they know
the ones who defy they know
that thing will never be the same again

wish i could ease your pain
i'd come throught and i'd change the rain
to sunshine like one time and erase the shame
girl you ain't to blame
just go, go juste to you thing
i know your life is stained
but inside you're still the same
you've been through so much
i'm glad you're finally out of his clutch
he's got a new life supplied wiht hand cuffs
and if you try you'il find you can trust
again
and i know it's been hard
but sometimes you're dealt some bad cards
and some folks they make some bad calls
they keep coming when you yell back off

sans permission tu l'as brisé pis t'as gâché sa vie
t'as faite quequchose qui se faisait pas
quand elle te coyait son ami
en dedans d'elle, elle fait fait plus confiance à personne
depuis
ce jour là elle se referme dans son aquarium

the ones who survive they know
the ones who get by they know
the ones who defy they know
that thing will never be the same again