A million thoughts, A thousand tears

My mind is a sphere circling and dangling by a silken thread,
the thread of sanity fueled by emotion and logic.

There are silent screams and screaming thoughts beating my brain from inside my skull.
I have a head ache like no other, I'd like to bash my fucking head in.
Trying to fight the pain of the thoughts away with a wall of indifference and anger, those things do not help at all.

I feel so tired and yet I cannot sleep even when I am not fighting the thoughts in my head sleep eludes me.
I cry silently cursing inside my mind wonder what the hell is wrong with my head and heart, what is wrong with me? why am I feeling so low what did I do and what have I done?.

School is great though my emotions are mixed over it as well.
I hate the bitch that's always acting like she is better then everyone else, the bitch who answers things stupidly as though she hasn't read or understood the question and isn't taking things seriously and who believes she is special enough to not have to come to school at the same time as everyone else but later and then does her own thing when she is in class I hope she fails she deserves it.

I dislike these three pakistani men in my class they piss me off so much.
they do not listen when they are spoken to actually scratch that they don't listen at all. The teacher will explain things and answer questions and all three ask the same question at different times, after it was already was explained and it was easy enough to know without her telling us. It is common sense when taking a msg if the person wants you to call back you check they call them back box and if they were returning a call you check returning call box stupid dumbasses.
They have no sense of personal space even when you explain to them they are too close,a man should never be glued to a womans side unless she invites him to her side or they are a couple. I love my personal space I do not like any Tom, Dick or Harry in that space.
As if having one of them leaning over me trying to flirt with me being suggestive wasn't bad enough Thursday one of them helped themself to touching my ass,I wanted to break his hand.

I find myself growing tired of the attitude of one of my classmates as well, I remind myself I am hanging out with younger girls but every now and then I feel like smacking some respect into one of them. I do not like being told what to do arrogantly as though I am a persons underling and this girl is very demanding.


There are times I wonder if I am part of a family not the family I made up of friends I love and cherish but and actual family. I have aunts and uncles, cousins, sisters, brothers, niece and nephews one grandfather and my parents of course so why do I not feel like I am part of a family. Why am I left out of everything just yesterday they buried my grandmothers ashes, I was sitting right here when my father and grandfather were talking about it and I was not asked if I would like to come along as well it hurt.My big sister and I watched a video it was a photo montage of my grandmother from her funeral and photos taken during it. My sister and I were not in almost any of the pictures other then one from the place we all gathered to eat after the church but not a single picture of us as children and we were not even asked if we had any which I do have some, worse of all was that there was not a single photo of my little brother in the whole thing. I feel like inside I am half broken and that it's my family that made me that way.

My patience my temper it's all on fast response I am irritable recently everything is hurting me, angering me or just making me feel like giving up.

There is a friend who has hurt me in ways she can never know, sad thing is she will never even notice it. I give my heart freely and hold nothing back but I get so little in return , I rarely ever complain about such matters to anyone really I keep it all for myself.
I always thought I was vieweed as someone trust worthy, someone you can trust your heart with and know I would not engrave my name on your heart under the words betrayal but place myself insde the heart under the words love.
I feel I have greatly been underestimated and taken for granted,when my friendship, devotion and heart are questioned in a friendship I in turn question those of the questionaire I have never left a friend alone in the dirt.
Friendship is something I value most in my life.
How deep am I embedded in your heart? why do you turn your back on me but continue to speak with those closest to me? you make me feel wanting and lacking not worth your time unless no one else is there to give you their time.
Am I only a near dear friend when I am the only one around? when you need to destress and have a bitch fest and get all your complaints against the world out and off your chest.
There was a time I knew where we stood where the love and friendship was clear then poof you disspeared and you changed I was no longer good enough other then when you had time to spare am I a friend or only a friend when it's convienient for you? I feel under valued actually I feel my worth to you is less then that of others even though you always act like we are so close we can be in a call and you will not even pay any atention to me at all.
Do I really exist when others are around or am I invisable after all when you are not in need of me.

I miss Ira I miss his advice and his smile and his kindness, I miss having the pure friendship we shared and the fun times we had together.
I miss the times I would feel free to opely admit my weaknesses and faults and know things not only were ok they would be ok and that there would be no judgement only suggestions on how to make things better faster. I miss when being upset and hurt was only me having a bad day.

I am so greatful for my friends I know are those from the heart friends like Ira who inspire me and who make me feel being me is a good thing and that I am loved for being exactly who and how I am.
I have friends that I really don't know where I would be right now without like my two bestfriends Angelika and Christina they have helped me through alot put up with alot and never gave up on me not even when I had already given up on myself.
From the first day I met Albandari, Shaun, Ammar and Wai I have felt the bounds of honest pure friendship that came straight from the heart these people are my bestfriends and mean the world to me. I love them very much they have all helped me become a better more open person I am more honest with myself since I met them I am truly thankful to have them in my life.

Since I am listening to this song right now it will be my post ......kau ilhamku means 'you're my inspiration' according to my friend who posted the song on my FB